Position:Home>Books & Authors> I am 13 and Writing a Novel. This is the first page of the first chapter. What d
Question: I am 13 and Writing a Novel!. This is the first page of the first chapter!. What do you think of it!?
1
“My head hurts!” I scream over the “woo-hoo!” that came from the crowd that was inside that dumb Nova Scotia concert hall to my best friends, Sarah and Lucy!.
Sarah has blood red hair with her bangs dyed baby blue; she has pale skin, her eyes the colour of olive green and has a lip-ring and three earrings on each ear and wears a black tank top, jingly bangles on her wrists and baggy camouflage pants!.
Lucy’s got the semi-long semi-short hairstyle; she’s got hazel eyes and is wearing blue eye shadow and lipstick; she’s wearing a red halter top, ripped at-the-knees blue jeans and a pair of white Sketchers!.
“What was that!?!” Lucy screams back to me as the woman on stage yells, “Who’s ready to rock the socks!?!”
“I said my head hurts!” I clutch my stomach!. “And my stomach!”
“Oh, that’ll be gone in a half an hour, Maddie!” Sarah yells to me, putting a hand on my back reassuringly!.
A half an hour!?! I think, turning to the stage!.
The lady on stage is my favourite Jazz singer, Treasa Levasseur!. Let me explain why I am here!. Right now, I’m in Nova Scotia to stay!. And I mean, stay!. My name is Maddie Macintosh and I have just moved from Nappanee, Ontario!. That’s right; Ontario!. The birth-province of the Loonie!. The LOONIE!
I am also a singer who ran away from her manager!. A really mean man!. He used to hit me when I wouldn’t get a note right or remember a word!. That’s what my song “Feeling the Pain” is about!. Except when I’m singing, I don’t use Maddie Macintosh!. I use my alias, Little Peach!. Nobody knows Little Peach outside my loved ones: Lucy, Sarah, Mom and Casey, my little sister!.
Casey and Mom died in a tragic accident when I was on tour two years before!. I’m twenty-two now!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You have potential sweetheart but you need a lot of refining and push!.
There are too many run-on sentences and the grammer is not up to novel standards!.
The introduction should be something that catches attention but that first page of yours fails to do so!. Plus, too many details are given!.
The writing tends to get a bit childish and really seems like nothing new!.
----
please don't feel as if I am critisizing you or bashing you!.!.!.you do have a lot of potential but it needs to be refined!. If you want some help I can give you tips!.!.!.
just e-mail me here : queen_of_babble@live!.caWww@QuestionHome@Com
I wouldn't put Lucy's physical description immediately after Sarah's!. I dunno just doesn't sound right, other than that it's pretty good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
extremely descriptive,you need to give the readers room for their imagination to take over,other than that you do posess great writing skills!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You have very good writing skills for someone your age!. I wouldn't get too excited about getting published yet, but keep working on it for the future!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it's good, but it's something I wouldn't read!.
Keep going!. :]
I bet other kids would definitely be interested!.
God Bless!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it is awsome your a great writer keep going with the novel and maybe your future could you be a novel writer!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's really good you should continue it seems like an interesting plot!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I gets confusing in places, and is a little random too!.
You need to work on your organazation* and grammer!.
It's okay, but I've seen 13 year olds do A LOT betterWww@QuestionHome@Com
I like it but you need to make sure to keep your narrative in the same tense!. You are constantly changing between present/past!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
choppy!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
your being to detailed if it continues the story will never end, plus there is no directionWww@QuestionHome@Com
sure I would like it better if it was placed in the U!.S!.A cus thats where I am from!
but i think that you have a good start going
Keep it UpWww@QuestionHome@Com
its sexyWww@QuestionHome@Com
IT'S AESOME YOU COULD DEFINTLY BE A WRITER!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow 13 and wrinting a novel!. inpressive!. pretty good!Www@QuestionHome@Com
eh!. i like ti but i'm not sure many people will!. i'm 13!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
you win or lose in your introduction
begin with !.!.!.!.!. the crowd !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.then I yelled my head hurts trying to make them hear me!. !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
nice i really like how descriptive you are with your charchters:)) good luck with the restWww@QuestionHome@Com
it's good but needs some workWww@QuestionHome@Com
It's a really good novel!. I love it!. What's gonna happen next!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
it is goodWww@QuestionHome@Com
Sounds good!
I'd read it, lmaoWww@QuestionHome@Com
I like the first line because it grabs my attention, and the rest of it is pretty good; but a little essay-ish!. The description of the characters is a little to "and here it is"--try finding subtle ways to describe their chracterisitcs
Ex!."I said my head hurts!" I clutch my stomach through the thin fabric of the (whatever she's wearing, I forgot-_-')"And my stomach!"
Or even spreading the descriptions out instead of geting them all in one shot!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's good!. Very well written, very well described and good use of descriptive language!.
I would suggest really focusing on vividly describing the main character, rather than her friends (Sarah and Lucy)!. You seem to get side tracked in your writing, bringing up events that have little relevance to the overall story (eg!. "I have just moved from Nappanee, Ontario!. That’s right; Ontario!. The birth-province of the Loonie!. The LOONIE! ")
Other than that, you have a very good start to a very good story!. You have good potential to become a talented writer!. Keep it up!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The first sentence is awkward, what with the long description of location between who the protagonist screams at and her scream!.
I don't do re-writes, but suggest you make two sentences out of the one somehow!.
Perhaps start with 'Woo-hoo!' screamed the crowd at!.!.!.' then end that sentence and start your dialogue!.
Maybe the other way around, but read on please!.!.!.
also suggest the second sentence is too long!.
You can make one short one before the semi-colon (turn that into a period) and continue your description of the girls in briefer glimpses!.
I do like the descriptions, I must say, just not in one block!.
I like the action, the mystery!.
I like the locale!.
You are doing fine here and really don't need much in the way of a critique!. It can be difficult to get a first sentence just right, and sometimes just continuing the story and going back to it later, with a new attitude, does the trick!.
A good writer is always willing to re-write, and in fact finds re-writing necessary for satisfaction with the work at hand!.
Best of luck with your story!.
(By the way, declaration of an author's age makes no difference at all to the quality of writing!. You might as well leave your age out of it!.)
ADD: I wonder who is putting thumbs down on so many reactions here!.
Is it the asker!?
If so, what are you looking for!?
Read reactions thoroughly and without quick judgement, just as you would like your own work to be read!.!.!. if that is you giving those thumbs down!.
If it's not you, I can't imagine who would bother doing that, or why!.
2nd ADD: I missed your addtion regarding description of the protagonist, etc!., entirely!.
I will leave it out!. I believe it is unfinished writing at this point!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's quite good, but there's a bit too much description on the character's clothes & the way they look!. Try and paint an image without getting into too much detail!.
Apart from that, It's great! Keep going!!
Shannon (age 14)
=]
xxxxxxWww@QuestionHome@Com
fantastic 100 per cent great if you have it copywritten and get it published i suggest you contact authorhouse phone 9am-5pm Monday-Friday only!.on freephone 08001974150 ask for Miss Sasha Lee and tell her i sent you, i got my book published by this publishers they are greatWww@QuestionHome@Com
Describe the two friends more creatively, don't just come out and say what they look like!.
Say something like : Sarah's blood red hair was flashing over her baby blue bangs as she jumped up and down with anticipation!.
It's sounds really interesting so far!. Good Job!Www@QuestionHome@Com
You sound like a fashion designer than an author!. I suggest you to get more into the story rather than describe escapeable details such as the dressing unless it's really necessary!. You can elude all of this and make it better, such as describing more of the surroundings!. Get to know Maddie, your character, and the people around her!. That's how you make a good author!.
=] P!.S!. I'm just as young as you and I write too!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
im 14 and i wrote a book also it got published and is kind of successful but just some tips i would make your chapters alot longer than that one i would also use some bigger words!. if your trying to get this book published i hope i was a help!.Www@QuestionHome@Com