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Question: Okay I need help seeing if this looks write!. First paragraph in my Novel, Date from Hell!. How is it!?
Okay I grammar checked and everything is spelled right!. So tell me if it makes sense, okay!? And how does it sound!?
I was sitting in my 3rd period English class waiting for the teacher to show!. When my best friend Holly poked me on the arm!.
“What!?” I asked annoyed!. Holly would always poke me to get my attention!. I would always say “Can’t you just say my name, or warn me next time!?” But she would always reply!. “But that’s no fun!” But whatever makes her happy!. Holly pointed to the front of the class and grinned!. I looked to the front of class, and shook my head!.
“Look at Hailey drooling all over Adam,” She said, “Poor guy!.” I nodded, and looked at the new guy, Adam!.
He just arrived 2 days ago!. And he already had all the poplar girls hovering over him!. I mean, I don’t blame them!. He was really good looking!. I mean billboard Hot!. He had bright jade green eyes, a wonderful smile, and a nice fit body!. He could make the football team no problem!.
“Yeah poor guy!. Hailey and her little Hailey clones need to leave him alone, and get a life,” I yawned, “He needs to file for sexual harassment!.” Holly nodded and chuckled!.
“What’s so funny!?” I asked!. She shook her head and closed her eyes!.
“Didn’t ya hear!?” She asked surprised!. I shook my head!. “No what happened!?” She laughed and looked over and smiled!.
“You’re out of the loop like always!. Well it seems that Hailey already has a few harassment charges on her record!.” My eyes grew wide with shock!.
“No way,” I whispered sarcastically!. She nodded her head and laughed a good hardy laugh!.
“I bet her parents are so proud!.” Holly opened her book, which keep her quiet until class started!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Please recheck your grammar, because I did find some errors in your intro!. I would love to go over them, but this stupid yahoo thing won't let me show my corrections in a different color and strikethroughs!.
The dialog was well done and very natural!. I like your descriptions, and you have a lot of potential!. You just need to work at it!.
Intriguing title, it caught my attention!. ^^ Although I think I've heard it somewhere before!. You should check up on it and see if there are other books also named the same!.
Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com
its good! i would buy the book if i saw itWww@QuestionHome@Com
that was really good!!!!8-)Www@QuestionHome@Com
This might be good for a juvenile novel, but not for a mass market one!.
Azamee missed a few things as well!.
Change "poplar" to "popular"!. I do not think you meant to call Adam a tree!.
Change "He should file for sexual harrasment" to "He should file sexual harrasment charges"!. Unless he wants to be sexually harrassed!.
I am not sure about the "hardy" in "a good hardy laugh!." I think the correct version would be "hearty"Www@QuestionHome@Com
- Instead of writing "3rd," write "third!."
- The first and second sentences need to be joined with a comma!.
- Comma between "asked" and "annoyed!."
- I don't think the part about Holly's poking history exactly fits into the story!.
- "Front of the class" is used twice in two sentences straight!. Find another phrase to use!.
- Make the "s" in "she" lowercase!.
- Replace the comma after "she said" with a period!.
- Write "2" as "two!."
- Connect the "he just arrived two days ago" sentence with the next one!.
- You used "I mean" twice in a short frame of space!. Find another phrase to use!.
- Lowercase "h" in "hot!."
- The way of describing his appearance is very cliche!. It's good how you don't hover too long over it, because some tend to over-describe appearances!. But I can't discern how he looks at all from this description: you might as well have not described anything!.
- Comma after "yeah" and before "poor guy!."
- Omit the comma after "leave him alone!."
- Replace the commas after "get a life" and "I yawned" with periods!. Using commas implies that she yawned the entire sentence!.
- Lowercase "s" in "she," which is in the "she asked surprised" phrase!.
- Comma between "asked" and "surprised!."
- Comma between "no" and "what happened!."
- Using "and" twice in a sentence sounds awkward!.
- If she's really surprised, why is she using sarcasm!? That doesn't make sense!.
- Omit "her head" after the "she nodded!." Saying that she nodded already implies that she nodded her head, so the extra words are unnecessary!.
- Change "keep her quiet" to "kept her quiet!."
I'm really sorry to say this, but this passage doesn't look like novel material at all!. I don't mean any offense when I say that, so please don't take it the wrong way!. But you do need to work on your writing!. I hope you take my corrections into consideration!.Www@QuestionHome@Com