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First spelling/grammar [see brackets]:

Old Story - “Heian/Lianna’
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Short scene up for a YA question

– Lianna–

Three times this week he’s chased me around the pub!. A wide toothless grin plastered across his face, brandishing a bottle of brandy wildly, [he destructively (!?) (gleefully!?) lets the amber liquid [fly] every time he stumbles!. [need at least fundamental noun verb sentence structure in second sentence!.]

(( Well, don’ be shy love, its what [ye] ere’ for[ i'n' it!?] Earn [ye] keep or [ye] don’ get kept ))

[He knocks] barstools out of the way, determined to catch me [ , ] and like always I feel the familiar dragging sensation in my legs!. It becomes hard to run, [and then even ] hard to lift my feet [delete: , ] as [if] the floorboards have been coated in glue!.

The overpowering stench of alcohol and tobacco thickens the air [and then, in a seemingly inevitable move,] he [roughly] seizes me around the waist!. The familiar sharp pain [races across my scalp] as he drags me by my hair back across the room [ delete: , ] towards his private quarters!.

I grab desperately at the door frame as we reach his bedroom, fingernails scrabbling uselessly against [lacquered] wood, before he grips my arm and [easily shoves me ahead of him through the doorway!.]

[The unchanging, ugly bedroom consists of floor, walls, ceiling and a large iron trough pushed up against the wall opposite the doorway!. The trough is stacked high with sullied crockery, but it is a] heavy butchers[' ] knife [that] catches my eye; something red is dripping down the flat [of the] blade and mixing with the remnants of rotten food encrusted on the china plates!.

At the same time something sticky and wet trickles [down] through my fingers [ and thence to the floor]!. I glance down [and] see blood [running] from a gash in my wrist, creating [two] puddles of bright crimson on the dirty floorboards!. [I feel disconnected, yet I try to stem the flow with the crumpled material of my skirt!. [I try, even though I'm sure he'd laugh at my attempts, but] I know that if it doesn’t stop [then] /he/ will come through the door!. Follow me in!. [If that happens, ] then nothing will ever be precious again!.

[It is a] heavy [weight, this] knowledge!. That there’s only one definite way of stopping it, and of preventing him from entering the room, [ of entering me!.]

So with a deep breath, eyes shut tight…

“Bang”

I bolt upright, kicking off the heavy linen sheets, frantically trying to focus my eyes, I’m in a dark room, I don’t think I know where I… Oh!.

Moonlight slithers in through the cracks in the boards nailed over the small window to my right!. Casting curves of pale light across the room and illuminating the [colored canvases] I’d discovered earlier, now stacked up against the walls!. Its an eerie effect and I’m already a little frightened!. I need to get out of this room and spend a few minutes collecting myself!. I’m Lianna Bloodrose, I don’t get scared!.

I swing my legs over the mattress and swim quickly through the shafts of moonlight to the door!.

The candles are still aglow, He’s still awake!.

I [cover] my eyes with the back of my hand, clutching the doorknob and [squint] through my fingers!. It [doesn't] take long for my eyes to adjust to the feeble light!.

He was sitting at his small kitchen table, a canvas laid out in front of him [!.]

(My instinct [instincts!? gut!? intuition!? and) The part of me that remembers the other paintings commands me to stay still!. [Something is ] telling me that I don’t want to know more, that I’m most likely better off not knowing what is on that table, in that painting!.

(( crucified girls with melting faces, broken ribs, blood spattered wings))

But something carries my feet towards him, and as I peer over his shoulder white hot anger shoots through me!. Another painting of me!. How Dare he!? Exactly what doesn’t the ******* freak understand about the word n…

It’s not the same!. No garish lipstick, revealed flesh or sunken cheeks!. This portrait is absolutely beautiful!. Porcelain skin and delicate green eyes full of innocence peer through a wispy fringe!. Everything I ever could have been!. A Lianna full of promise and hope whose dreams are of a glowing future, not a haunted past!. What I wouldn’t give … but its not me, I don’t look like that!.



–Heian–

I turn around quickly almost knocking my palette to the floor in the process, I’d been so absorbed that I hadn’t [realized] she’d come up behind me until she spoke!.

“I don’t look like that [!. ]”

She [spoke] not in her usual loud, authoritative tones, nor in the rasping screams I’d been treated [to] earlier, [but a soft, warm alto!.] [[Her wide] eyes [were also] full of conviction

“I don’t look like that” she repeated slowly and a little louder this time [!.]

I watched her quietly, her emerald eyes were framed [with sable lashes and contrasted beautifully with her pale skin!.] [She] crossed [her arms] defensively against her chest!.

“I drew you exactly as I see you” I replied quietly, standing up and holding out my brush!.

“You’re wrong!.” It came out in a strangled whisper, as she bit down hard on her lower lip!.

I stepped aside and gestured towards my paints!. “Then, would you show me how you look!?”

“This!. Is!. How!. I!. *******!. Look” with each word she streaked black paint madly across the canvas!.

She turn[ed] to me, her expression tortured, tears spilling down her cheeks!. “How can you not see!?”


COMMENTS: This is enough to get me interested, but the flow is a bit jagged so I'm not sure enough what's going on that I could assuredly pick up the narrative at this point and move on for you!. Your tenses are a bit erratic!. I caught many, but not perhaps all instances!. Several of my notations were more stylistic but usually occurred where there was an underlying problelm anyway!.!.!.!.!.good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Please tell me when you're novel comes out, I want to read it! That was pure gold!.!.!. =) Loved it, loved it, loved it, every little bit!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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In My Opinion I Found It Perfect !.!. : DWww@QuestionHome@Com

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too good!.!.!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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