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Question: Is this fanfiction any good !?
"Alice,please,do we have to play another chess game!?" I groaned as my sister's chipper face slowly turned sober!.
"Yes!.C'mon what else can you do!? Bella's gone for a walk and you were too stubborn to go hunting!." Alice reasoned,her face still sober!.
"Fine!." I gazed out the window,my eyes searching for the familiar hazel hair of Bella!.I couldn't believe she wasn't back yet!.But what could I do!? I sighed and rotated to play my turn at the chess game!.
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Another hour had passed!.Another hour without Bella!.I involuntarily kicked the side of my chair in a mix of anger,anxiousness and worry!.
Alice glanced at me for a split second,but it wasn't long before her eyes were glued to the chess board!.
"Alice,what's happening!? Is it Bella!?" my eyes were filled with worry,my mouth set in a straight line!.Alice hesitated before answering!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It's good and I want to know more but I don't think Edward would let Bella go on a walk without him and I don't think Bella would say no to Edward going with her!. Why did she go for a walk!? Maybe change that part to something like Bella is with Jacob and something happens while Jake is gone for a few minutes doing something or getting something!. Or maybe Bella is at work and something happens!. And Edward would be able to read Alice's mind so he wouldn't ask her what was happening!. And I also think that Edward would've taken off running to Bella once he saw Alice's vision!. And if it's too late and Bella is dead what are you going to do for the rest of the story!? Bella is dead in chapter one!. The only thing left to tell about is her funeral and how heartbroken Edward and Jacob are!. Keep working on it!. I really want to know what happens!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Its good, but the plot is overused!. I have read many fanfictions like this, and I think you should add something!. A new character, a new storyline, etc!.
I also had a problem with the hazel hair line!.!.!. Bella just has brunette hair, and isn't it a bit strange to have hazel!?!.!.!. Think about hazel eyes!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
if you think its right, why would you post it up for everyone to see, and it will ruin it for them when the book really does come out
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its ok but I think you over desribe sometimes, 'my eyes were filled with worry,my mouth set in a straight line!.'Www@QuestionHome@Com
OMG!? Is she dead!? Are you gonna write more!? I liked that! I really hope she didn't die! Good job!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It really interesting, but there is one major glitch!. Edward can read minds!. When you write a fanfiction you have to take everything into account, and Edward would have seen what happened the moment that Alice had!. also, Edward and Alice mostly play chess in their heads because Edward can read minds and Alice sees his decisions!. It's in one of the books!. ^^
Sorry if that sounded a bit mean!. I really hope you continue to write!. Your story was really very interesting!. I liked it a lot!.Www@QuestionHome@Com