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Question: Prologue of my Vampire story - Critique!?
As mentioned, this is a prologue, meant more to set the tone of the story than to actually tell the story!. The man's name isn't revealed on purpose!.
The sun’s clutches over the sky faded as the rosy pink hues gave way to the solid darkness of night!. The moon was little more than a sliver in the sky, the stars dimmed by a heavy layer of clouds when the footsteps finally gave away his presence!. Leather boots landed lightly on the dirt path, leaving little indication that their owner had ever passed!. His deep emerald eyes glinted slightly in the darkness as he approached the single farmhouse at the end of the path!. His eyes narrowed to slits as he walked up the handmade, wooden steps leading to the front door!. He knocked once with the firm brass knocker, sending a single echo throughout the old fashioned home, alerting its single inhabitant!.
Wearily, the woman rose out of her couch and approached the door!. Only vaguely did she wonder who would be visiting her at that hour – she had fewWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Emo,
This is good!. I have a problem with 'the sun's clutches' though in the beginning!. I'd try another word other than clutches, it kind of stalls me as a reader!. How about 'the sun's final rays' over the etc!.!. etc!.!.!.!.!?
The three periods don't work either and they're really used incorrectly!. They're used when a person stalls for a few seconds as they speak!.
"I !. !. !. well, I didn't exactly do it right!."
See!? Notice that I didn't use a capital 'w' when I started typing the sentence again!. You ignore the three periods as being the end of the sentence and only that they're there as a stall in the dialogue!.
You also use the M hyphen!. That's were you have 'who would be visiting her at that hour - she had few' The M hyphen so called because it's the size of a capital M, is used to emphasize the word immediately after!. No need to raise the voice when saying 'she' right after the word 'hour!.'
I repeat, this is very good!. I enjoyed it!. Try to get rid of what I've commented on here if you have a mind to!.
Nicely done!.
PJ MWww@QuestionHome@Com
I like it :) you're a great writer!. keep it up and if you put this up on the web contact me so i can read it! make_me_spin@yahoo!.comWww@QuestionHome@Com
It's okay, though at times it gets a little overly descriptive (she phrased it like a question, well yeah I kinda got that from the !? mark)!. My point is have enough confidence in your scene to let it stand without explaining every little thing, or rewrite it!.
I don't have a problem with the imagery, the first sentence gives a good insight into the tone of the story!.
Like I said, it isn't horrible but it could use some cleaning up!. Maybe get some objective feedback from an outside source (other than answers where everyone goes Yay! You're the best writer evers!)!.
Good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It was barely tolerable!. No where near great or amazing!.
I wasn't hooked at all!. Your first paragraph was bland to me!. If I was a publisher and read your first paragraph(sometimes that's all you get), I would toss the manuscript!. If I was a publisher and only got to read your prologue, I still would have tossed it!. Nothing hooked me!. It was bland and boring!. It was very predictable and that was mostly was turned me off!. It wasn't unique or original, I've read it a thousand times!.
The only thing I did like, was part of the dialogue!. It was the part when he said he was a!.!.!. something, and asked her what her favorite movie, condiment was, and all that junk!. Their conversation was believable - she didn't know what to say to the stranger and was hesitating!.
Overall, I would never consider being your agent or even take a chance on you!. It was ammateurish, just like tons of other stories teenagers have written(few are good, though)!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow! that's really good!. very descriptive!. just what I like in a good book!. but on the bad side, vampires aren't tooo original since the Twilight Series!. but who cares!? It's wonderful!. You need to be published!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it's really good!. It left me wanting to know what's going to happen!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
oooh tingly, i loved it!. i loved how the vampire is protrayed!. maybe what the vampire is after could be thrown a little more in shadows so the readers doesn't really know whats happening until its too late!. great start to a storyWww@QuestionHome@Com
The writing was fine, but not amazing, but the concept is thoroughly unoriginal!. Practically everyone has read Twilight, and this comes off as a wannabe AU fanfiction type thing!. It's probably best to stay away from the whole Vampire genre!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
DANG, that's good!. Normally, I don't like vampires--but this is really good!.
If I were you, I'd slim down on the description a little!. Other than that, this is awesome! You should look into finding an agent!Www@QuestionHome@Com