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Question: My newest Children's Adventure Story, what do you think!?
Jill stared across the wide plains ahead of her trying to figure out where to go next!. The suburbs were over run with moral teaching monsters weeks ago, and when her friend Jack was chewed to death by a horde of mutated pencils she headed for the wilderness!. But Jill knew something wasn't right!. The land wasn't changing, the clouds seemed to be speeding by on a circular track, and she could see movement out of the corners of her eyes!. Alone, tired, and frightened Jill just stared because every direction looked the same!.
She felt a breath against the nape of her neck, "We've gotten them all but you, Jill!."
"What!?" Jill said!. She was rigid, terrified!.
"We've killed all the children but you!. You're the last, Jill!. And when we eat your soul we shall control the world!"
The leathery beast appeared before her, eyes red as blood, and teeth sharp as knives!. The hills filled with horror!.
For 8&9 year olds!. What do you think!? Good moral!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The first passage is pretty good!. But just watch your voice, an element that adds power and uniqueness to your piece!. It somewhat grows strong, then fades as the sentences pass!. You need a comma after "pencils" in the first passage!. also, try not to use such advanced words if the book is for younger children!. I dont' know how many of them will know what "moral, horde, nape, leathery" will mean!. I'm just guessing!. also, that monster is a bit gruesome!.!.!.this is a children's book!!! So try not to get too scary or what not!. also, the line "'What!?' JIll said!." I don't like said!.!.!.too generic and bland!. I'd try whispered or breathed, to make it more powerful and creative!. also, if she's terrified, then whispering or shrieking frantically would add to the modd!.
All in all, great start!. Just try and improve on the few points I said!. Oh, btw, I dont' know if its just me, but "horde" doesn't look like its spelled right!. For some reason it jumped out at me, and it looked misspelled!. I don't know, I'd double check though!. Great job, and keep it up! :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
okay!. constructive criticism here!.
Pencils!? Only a 6 year old would go with that, but yet you make it all to gory and scary, creating an akward feel!. I'm 12 and I've been reading and writing since I was 5, so I have a pretty good feel of what children look for in a book--this just isn't it!. And Jack being chewed to death by mutated pencils!? Try to reconnect with your inner 9-year-old----this story just isn't publishable materialWww@QuestionHome@Com
I think it is excellent and would like to publish it in my upcoming anthology: H!.P!. Lovecraft 4 Kidz!
Along with it, I will publish:
The Poky Little Puppy Was Too Slow to Escape the Three-Lobed Burning Eye
Are You My Mommy, Shub-Niggurath!?
Jamie and Suzie Can Paint with the Colour Out of Space
There Is an Elder God at the End of This Book
Bridge to Terabithia-on-Lake-Hali
Paddington and the Yellow Sign
Criswell predicts: Newberry Medal Award Winners!Www@QuestionHome@Com
that seems a little scary for a kid that age!.!.!.
plus i think your word choice is a little strong!.!.!.so they might not understand it anyways!.
i'm sure if you changed it up a bit this story would work for a higher age group!. it would remind people of their childhood stories, with a twistWww@QuestionHome@Com
I don't think that parents would want their 8&9 year olds reading that it would give them nightmares try something less scary or not having to do with eating souls and killing people with pencilsWww@QuestionHome@Com
oh please!. ha
ha
ha!.
Other than your annoying question, I think that the writing is pretty cool!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think you and Kate S should get together for oxygen, you cheeky monkey!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Um!.!.No
It's way too scary for them! Maybe for YA maybe but not kids!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It seems a little too scary for kids that ageWww@QuestionHome@Com
Sounds just right to me!. This is exactly what 8 and 9 year olds need to be reading!. Children simply aren't learning the proper morals nowadays, and this is just the type of book that they need to do so!.
But for a suggestion!.!.!.perhaps you could clarify that the pencils that chewed Jack were #2 pencils!. It just simply wouldn't be giving the children the right moral if the pencils weren't #2!. Children simply can't get their way through school if they don't use #2 pencils!.
Oh, and is Jill being confronted and sweet-talked by an overtanned lady!? Or am I just looking too much into the "leathery beast"!?
Best wishes!Www@QuestionHome@Com