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SUBJ: Specific feedback!.!.!.!.

"(1) As we walked, the kid tried to explain to me the place which we were headed!. (2) My vocal chords felt lazy, so I couldn't tell him that I know exactly where we were headed!. (3) I know this place well!."

-Let's begin with a brief rundown of sentence structure, shall we!? (using my terminology, I refuse to strive for correct definitions at this time of the night)

'As we walked,' - This is a clause!. It is an attachment to a sentence!. You have it leading off sentence 1, and while that's not technically wrong it distracts from the pi-zaz of what's happening!. We'll move it!. (And "as" is the wrong word, it should be "while" or "whilst" or something like that!. "As" draws a comparison!.)

'the place which we were headed' - which!? Really, is that necessary!? We'll delete it!.

(1) - "The kid told me where we were headed" ("while we walked!.")

You'd throw that clause in at the end of the sentence!. I don't need to know you're walking!. I'll assumed you walked when you show up at "the place!." If you think it is imperative to let the reader know your characters are walking, then describe something they pass!. You see, sentence 1 is now more direct, less wordy, and because of that it reads more active!. (Note: we'll be combining sentences 1 and 2!.)

-Now let's discuss continuity of terms, and tense!.

'felt' does not lead to 'couldn't' - You could use were/couldn't or felt/didn't!. Felt/didn't agrees with the term lazy better, so we'll rewrite with that!.

(2) - "and my vocal chords felt lazy so I didn't bother telling him that I already knew!."

(Tense agreement - My brain feels lazy so I'm not going to demonstrate the variety of places you break tense!. Just be aware that if you start in present tense - you continue in present tense!. Unless you are describing something that happened before what is happening now!. Got it!? I know you do!.)

- A brief lesson in style!.

"I know this place well!." - This is almost a chant, it's definitely repetition, and it's a common device in almost all post-modern literature and/or fiction!. The statement is reiterating a previous point, it's doing it to add emphasis, and whether you knew it or not it is building suspense and aiding characterization!. That being said, there's nothing wrong with it how it is, but I would change 'this' to 'the' because 'this' connotes that your character is holding the place, or already at it, when they are in fact still walking towards it!. also we are going to reuse a version of the phrase "So I didn't bother telling him" because it makes the sentence a bit more complex/poetic/readable/transgressive/co!.!.!.

(3) - "I didn't bother to tell him that I know(knew) the place well!."

***Put it all together - Rewrite:
"The kid told me where we were headed (while we walked) and my vocal chords felt lazy so I didn't bother telling him I already knew!. I didn't bother to tell him that I know(knew) the place well!."

There!. That's one little paragraph!. And there is more we could do to it!. There is always more!. But the little we did has made the little paragraph more active, more minimalist (a must with transgressive voices), and more poignant!.

You really need to glance at those books I recommended last time!. I also want you to check out a book called Telling Lies for Fun and Profit by Lawrence Block!. Just glance at one little chapter in the bookstore, it's called something like: "Taking the A Train!." It'll be good for you!. (You'll probably want to buy the book, it's very funny!. Just read the other two before that one!.)

Previously someone gave you the great advice to use contractions!. They were right!. Write in your character's voice not proper english!. Contract everything you contract in speech!. And do the read aloud thing I told you about!. Look for examples of the things I pointed out in the rest of your paper, they are there!. And watch out for that passive voice, just like last time!. (hint: If you have the word "had" preceding a verb you've got passive voice!. Remove it and use a better verb!.) And pick a tense and stick with it!. None of this past/present/past/future/present gibberish that you've got going on now!. It reeks of inexperience (nothing wrong with that, but now you know better, right!? So inexperience isn't an excuse!.)

And all the stuff from last time: Transgressive!.!.!.!. cool!.!.!.!. chicks don't usually do it well!.!.!.!.!. good job!.!.!.!.!. I like it!.!.!.!.!. Tighten up your sentences/paragraphs/story!.!.!.!.!.

I really do think you have promise!. But take the advice I've given you already and apply it before ask about it again!. (The story is going to read very differently!. It will be a little more streamlined and punchy!.) Or I'll say, "You suck," next time!. :)

(I'll star this and maybe some of other good writing critics/teachers/trainers will come on and give you some other stuff to chew on too!. Not making any promises!.)Www@QuestionHome@Com

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It is interesting, and has an intriguing character!. Other than the unnecessary words, the structure of the story could be tightened a bit!. I am not sure how to explain it, but a few tweaks is needed!. also, the dialog could use some fixing up too, sometimes it just doesn't read right!. You want to make the dialog as smooth and realistic as possible!. Go out, and listen to how people speak to each other, that will give you an idea on how to write your dialog!. Overall, pretty good!. The drug addict thing is a tad clique though and tart!. So, you should add a few things, to let your story stand above those other stories!. There are many stories dealing with drugs and addiction and dealers, so you might want to keep your story strong, so if stands high above the others!. Good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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i realllllllllllly like it!

email me if your write more: xokristinx7@yahoo!.com
i would love to read it!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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