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Question: What do u think about my book so far!?!?!?
im only 11 years old so!.!.!.!.!.!.here it is!
Danger In Love
Written by: Kaitlyn Morris
Props to the writers and directors of ‘The Invisible”!. The great movie encouraged me to write this book!.
Prologue
“Just pick the lock, then turn off the alarm, its right next to the door!” That was the beginning, of well, everything!. It was the beginning of many things, it would lead to…!.!.well just read the story!
Chapter 1: king and queen
It started at corkren high school!. I mean, that’s where they met!. Taylor and Ethan!. Sounds innocent, right!? For now anyway!. That was 4 months ago, when they started 11th grade!. Taylor and Ethan got to know each other very well infact!. They got a long great, and they both had gotten kicked out of their previous schools for reasons know one else knows!. They started to hang out at each others houses to talk about a very rich jewelry store about 2 miles away!. You can guess why they were talking about it!. I mean why else would 2 bad *** kids be talking about a jewelry store!. “Come on, I just got a new car” Ethan spoke softly into her ear!. “Ok, but what if we get caught!?” spoke Taylor in the same soft tone as Ethan!. “That’s it!. We won’t!. It’s only you and I!. King and Queen!.” “Well, OK, tonight sneak out around 12 so everyone will be asleep!. Meet me at school so you can pick me up in the car!.”
“Just pick the lock, then turn off the alarm, its right next to the door!” demandingly yelled Ethan!. But instead she took the hammer and smashed the window in!. “ahh, Taylor! Taylor!” Ethan yelled, but sounded like tiny whispers as police sirens filled the night sky!. Taylor grabbed the diamond neck lace and a ton of other expensive shiny jewelry!. She hopped in the car and drove away just as the cop cars filed down the road in search of them!. “Taylor, what the heck were you thinking!” Your going to get us caught!” “Yeah, I can see how good the cops are!” Taylor yelled sarcastically!. “ok, ok well what’d you get!?”
Chapter 2 : the prisoner
It wasn’t the first time he had saw her!. Well, he was on the school soccer team, and he was the best player, so he knew everyone!. His name was Josh!. Well, his name was josh!. That was a long time gone, though!. Standing there on the road where he saw it all!. He saw her rob the jewelry store, get in the car and drive away, he had seen everything!. So he turned her in, well he tried, atleast!. No one could hear him, let alone see him!. In his life everyone seemed to be deaf and blind!. No one could see him, or hear him!. In other words he was basically invisible!. Almost everyone would love to be invisible, that is, except for josh!. “Why!?” you might ask!. Well , you see, if he doesn’t become visible again, he would die in about 4 days!. Basically, josh would die of starvation because you can’t eat when you are invisible!.
So far , the day had gone on as normal for josh!. He had woken up, and went to school, never expecting what would happed next!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Nobody will steal this I know about, but you shouldn't post anything here you don't trust ANyone with, you know!? It's not wise to post things online anyway, if you think of later publication!.
Don't run out and get some copyright as that isn't wise, either; it's not for you to do!. Publishers do that-- they buy some form of copyright from you!. Read about it later in The Writer's Market!.
I see some hard work done here, but as is often the case with writing, revisions and re-writes always occur when needed, and they are most often needed at the beginning of a piece!.
One example: I see you use the word "Well, he!.!.!." and "ok, ok well !.!.!." --using "well" a lot!. In these about three/four paragraphs, I see it six times!. Too many times!.
It seems to be a habit, and one you can break by rereading and dropping that word and any other extras ("smashed the window in"!.!.!. you don't need a preposition [in] hanging out like that!.!.!. "smashed the window" says it already) any other extras you see, since this story wants to be 'lean and mean' --full of action written in active voice!.
'Active voice' means: not many prepositions (of, from, under, in, out, over, about-- and others a good dictionary will list for you), and not many adverbs (those '-ly' words describing a perfectly fine verb if it's just left alone)!.
It also means dropping 'had' and 'would have' from in front of active verbs, and using 'was' or 'were' alone with an active verb as necessary!.
Re: Josh!.!.!.try: 'He woke up and went to school, never expecting what happened next!.' !.!.!.for that last sentence!.
See the difference!?
also, if you're in the story as a narrator of sorts, (You wrote: "I mean, that's!.!.!.!." and "I mean why else!.!.!.!." and "You can guess why!.!.!.!.") --which puts both you and your reader in the story, and I hope you can drop that as well, because it may get very awkward and/or forgotten all at once in the narrative, a bad thing!.
It's a good premise; it just needs to stay active in every way!.
I'm sure you can do it, and do it well!.
Keep reading, keep writing!.
What's better to do!? Not a lot!.
ADD: Whoa!. I never heard of The Invisible!. Changes are not so hard to do, or you can make this fanfic!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Well, it kind of sounds too MUCH like The Invisible!. But, the chapters are pretty short!. And the events are passing too fast!. But I like it!.!.because I like the movie!. Maybe you could change it a little bit!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
The characters don't think too much but I like it so far, keep going you can flesh out the characters a bit more as the book continuesWww@QuestionHome@Com
WOW nice story 10/10Www@QuestionHome@Com
for being 11 years old this is good!. i saw the invisible and thought that this was pretty close to the movie story so you may want to change the plan a little!. i would say continue writing and to help improve it when you get older and have more experience writing for school and on your own come back to this and improve it and make it more "mature"Www@QuestionHome@Com
I've never seen "The Invisible" but I know a basic outline!. Since you have both the jewelry store break in AND the invisible kid in it, it seems very similar to the film!.
You may want to try writing something more original for a book of your own (and edit more carefully)- but I give you credit for writing at a young age!. Keep practicing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com