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Question: Critique the beginning of my story!?
Preface




I fiddled with the key in my hand, tracing its pattern with my fingertips!. Knowing I couldn’t stall any longer, I swiftly placed the key in my pants pocket!. Gazing at the chest that sat in front of me, a tear dripped from my eye, staining the deep mahogany wood!. I lifted the last box that I had packed only minutes ago!.
“That’s the last of it!.” Sophie muttered, staring at her shoes as she moved them from side to side!. I nodded hastily, attempting to keep my tears to myself!.
“I’ve always wondered Harper…” She cut herself off!.
“Yes!?”
She continued gradually, an uneven tone filling her voice!. “When did having a boyfriend become such a priority to your mother!?”
“It’s not!.” I scoffed!. “It’s a habit!.”
A chilling silence filled the entire room, my room!. The asylum in which I was hoping everything would take place!. This is where I wanted stay!. Moving became such a constant hassle, and it was harder every time!.
No more words were spoken from this point on!. Sophie frowned remorsefully, and I could tell she was taking the pain awfully!. I only wished I could’ve told her it gets better with time, but I’d be lying!.
I smiled softly, grabbing her hand and placing it within mine!. When she looked up, her face held only one emotion!. Anger!. I hugged her without a second thought, my only friend!. Gone in an instant it seemed like!. We exchanged a few mellifluous laughs, both remembering only a year before when we had met!. But those faint chuckles quickly faded into small tears, in which we wiped away in dismay!.
I released her from my firm clutch, finally strong enough to let her go!. Without another glimpse, she strolled out into the long corridors outside my room!.
Gone!. I thought to myself!.
I stood in the gleam of light that trickled throughout the room, until a loud honking sound interrupted my quick meditation!. I grumbled in reply to my mother’s disturbance!. I eased forward, carefully grasping the chest in which I kept all my valuables!.
I bounded for the stairs, afraid that if I looked back, the tears would begin again!. Before I knew it, I was locking the door from the outside!.
I peered from under the awning!. Pouring droplets of tears fell from the clouds above me!. The sun had shone all week long, until this one rueful Saturday!.
“Figures!.” I mumbled!.
Even though the rain was cascading out of the sky intensely, I did nothing!. The only thing my body wanted to do was give in!. Suddenly, a loud crack of thunder jolted me back to reality!. The honking grew louder!. My mother and her friend, Elaine, were waiting for my tranquil body to move, and so I did!.
“My god, what took you so long!?” My mother questioned harshly!.
“Angela…uh…mom, I told you Sophie came by to say good-bye!.”
“Well, I don’t understand why you took so long! Our flight leave’s the airport in—”
The rest was a blur!. My ears tuned her out, and eventually she stopped talking to me!. Instead, she resumed her chatting with Elaine!. Gossiping on and on about so and so’s new hairdo at work, or the latest episode of Sex in the City!. The usual stuff that supplied no interest to me!.
“Wow!. She really doesn’t talk much does she!?” Elaine whispered, but failing to do so!. She looked casually at me and smiled!.
“Sorry…” I murmured!. What else could I say!? I was never one to talk back to someone, though my heart wanted to!.
“She’s a difficult one, I’m telling you!.” Angela said while shaking her head!.
Difficult!. This one simple word summed up my existence!. Difficult, she can’t play any type of sport!. Difficult, she’s shy!. Difficult, she wants a different life!.
“Difficult…” I repeated under my breath!.
I must’ve closed my eyes for only a few minutes, when the sound of jets rumbling jerked me awake!.
The sky was gray!. Mocking my emotions, as if Colorado was glad to see me leave!. I felt the exact opposite!. I thought mom had found “the one” during our stay here!. And even if he was the typical jerk, I could handle it!. Like I had every other man my mom called ‘baby’ or ‘hun!.’ But Rockaway Beach, Oregon!? Home to only 1500 or so people!. This I could not handle!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Amazing!. You have some great potential here, you should definitely keep writing this novel!. I wouldn't be surprised if it ended up on the best sellers list (trust me, I would know!) PLEASE e-mail me with the rest of the preface, I would love to hear it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's got familiar young person's faults:
overwritten
heavy on adjectives and adverbs
dangling participles !.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Good story so far!

Have you joined a writing community!? -- i'm on -- chapteread!.com

they have some pretty cool features to check out!. Private writing area, can save advice people give you, fans and friends list!.!.!. there are a bunch more!. Good Luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com

You are an excellent writer =)!.
I can tell you have a passion for this, and it shows in the way you write!. Keep it going!. I would love to read more of this!. =)Www@QuestionHome@Com

I would encourage any aspiring author! Your start is what I would call a "start"!. Take that with a grain of salt because I find most of my words on paper but a start, though this implies potential!. I can not speak more highly nor recomend more, a small writers workshop or creative writing class at a local university!. Though it did not help my spelling nor me grammer the peer review "took the biscuit"!. Keep it up and thank you for sharing your words!Www@QuestionHome@Com