What do you think of this start for a story?

Question: What do you think of this start for a story!?

The day was young,yet the sun had not crested over the horizon!. The figure lurked in the shadows!. It watched its subject as a predator over its prey!. The subject walked down the dark and slightly moonlit trail slowly and cautiously!. The figure crept along slowly as well not trying to advert attention!. The subject was a female,slender, she had long dark brown hair, light in complexion she was medium height and tall for her age she was no older than 16!. The figure had been watching the female subject for quite sometime!."Shes perfect" he thought!.

The sun had rose and the figure was long gone!. The female subject however lying on her back in a position that suggested a peaceful slumber!. She had a bite mark on her neck, the blood was still fresh!. The pulse indicated that she was unconscious!. The female subject was identified as!.!.!.!.!.

im still working on it but i need to get some feedback on it i guess!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

dang JD!! I told you it'd be great!! The details are perfect!! It really gets you wanting to read more and more!! Please send me the updates!! I'm really looking forward to reading more!! I wonder where in the world you came up with the idea of the features of the girl!! She sounds like someone I know!.!.!. haha creative J!! See ya ^_^
Miss AngelWww@QuestionHome@Com

Cliches everywhere, like landmines!.

"The day was young" cliche
"Figure lurked in the shadows" cliche
"The subject was female!.!.!." run-on
"The sun had rose" (correction) had risen
"The female subject however lying on her!.!.!." fragment
"The female subject was identified as!.!.!." by whom!? the police!? Sounds a bit like a police report!.

The idea is interesting, but spend more time developing the scene, the characters, the moments so that they are your own!. Slow down and let yourself sink into the deep end (yes, I know, cliche!. Guilty as charged)!.

My point is, you're moving too quickly and without enough originality in each moment!. A second glance would likely fix a lot of what's going on here!.

Good luck with your story!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Definitely needs some work!. The first sentence doesn't make any sense in context with what you're trying to convey which is basically that it's still night or dark outside!.

I also find it hard to believe that a young girl would be walking a moonlit trail that early by herself, yes it could happen, it's just not believable!. Lastly, you can't tell from a pulse whether a person is unconscious or not, but I kind of figured she was dead or unconscious by her lying on the ground with bite marks in her neck!.

Overall, it was alright!. Does need a lot of work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

hey, i really like this :-) captures audience etc etc lol!.!.!.im interested anyway, so other readers probably will be

it does need a bit of work with grammar/punctuation like you say but thats easily sorted out

and i know this is being stupidly picky lol but i think you need to change the word 'avert attention' unless im wrong it means the oppisite to what your trying to say !.!.!. maybe attract!? or something!? s'up to you

:-)

good luck

xxWww@QuestionHome@Com

its has some juicy adjectives in there!. it keeps the ready hooked on the story, and yet appeals to the 5 senses!. i think your did rather well, and im inpressed!.
you should look at this sentence though

the subject was a female,slender, she had long dark brown hair light complexion!.!. that part kinda thew me off for some reason!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

You are definately on the right track!.
Great description and very intriguing!
The only thing i would change would descibe your sorrounding a bit more
add a tree or something like the bushes beneath the shadows

that will make it a bit darker and mysterious :]Www@QuestionHome@Com

its good!
but try using different adjectives to describe them!.
you said they both moved slowly, instead try saying the female moved leisurely or something other then slowly- it just gives the story more!

Other then that I think its really good!Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is an amazing beginnning for a story!.!.!. It isn't too boring, and it has great details!. And it is a little 'mysterious'!.!.!. I like it!
~ good luck!
~ i hope i helped!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Slow down!. Add some detail, perfect the imagery!. Suspensful beginnings like that need extra detail to bring them along!. But it's pretty good!.
Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Love it! The imagery's really powerful!.

Good Job!!! (-:

Answer my question!?

http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

The day was young, the sun not yet cresting the horizon!. A figure lurked in the shadows, watching its subject as closely as a predator does its prey, following as it walked down the dark, barely moon washed trail, slowly, cautiously as to not reveal its presence!.

The prey was female, slender of build, with long dark brown hair, fair of complexion, medium height but tall for such a young age, she was no older than 16!. He had been watching her for quite sometime!. She was perfect, he thought!.

The sun filled the sky and the predator was long gone, leaving the wilted body as if in slumber, but one from which she would never wake the same, tho her pulse indicated she was merely unconscious!. She was still perfect, save the fresh blood oozing from her ravaged neck!.

!.!.!.!.!.!.!.remember, less is more, keep cutting words and then cut MORE words!. Don't hurry!. It is your story, take time and tell it the way you want to!. But keep it concise!. Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com