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Question: Feedback on extract from my book!?
The pain was unbelievable!. Waves of piercing torture rippled down my body and my swollen back felt like it was being ripped in half!. A gasp escaped my lips but I quickly clamped my mouth shut and whimpered as I doubled over, hugging my legs!.
"Elaise" Zorin gently whispered, placing a warm hand to my cheek "relax your body!."
Another painful shudder ran along my spine and I screamed again, clawing at my shins!. My breathing was shallow and fast and I had quickly become exhausted from the strain my body was under!.
"Zorin" I moaned, grabbing blindly for his arm as tears began to spill onto my face!.
"Please help me!."
I felt him hesitate, then he replied "ok Elaise, but you have to remember, I'm not going to hurt you!."
I nodded passively beyond the point of comprehension!.
"I'm ripping the back of your shirt to help make room for your wings!." This made me cringe and I tightened my grip on his hand!.!.!.!.!.sorry have to stop here, I ran out of the designated number of words i'm allowed!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Zoe C - I rarely say this here!. Maybe only four or five times out of the countless hours I waste playing around on Y!A, and not that it makes my opinion a right of passage or anything, I just want you to get the idea that I'm not a "It's great!" guy!.
All that being said, I think this piece shows a lot of promise!. There was a very well played suspense throughout the selection, the wing thing was unexpected yet believable!. Which means you accomplished furnishing a plausible suspension of disbelief in your piece, a very good thing!. The idea seems fresh to me as well!. (Though I don't routinely read fiction where someone might sprout wings!.) But I like that it's portrayed from an angle of pain as opposed to transcendence, which would have been cliche as hell!. There are more positives I see that don't really bear mention!.
However there are technical mistakes!. None that stand out and shout, "This writer is terrible!" And that's good, because there are certain mistakes which do, for instance a lack of voice!. Your mistakes lay primarily in the grammar department, but I realize this is probably still a work in progress so I won't even point them out!. There are problems with your diction in a few spots, for example one can not "moan" a name!. A moan is a sound, not a method of speech!. Things like that should be avoided!. There weren't too many -ly words, but enough to suggest they may get repetitive if this were extended to length!. A couple awkward phrases that you'll catch if you read the passage out loud in a monotone voice!. (This monotone voice trick is important, you have to remember that you know how the phrase should sound because you heard it in your head before you wrote it!. The reader doesn't have that advantage, so slowing down and removing inflection will give you a truer sense of how it actually reads!.) You also straddle pretty close to the "telling" line in spots!. But this concept is so often referred to here that I'm not going to delve to deeply into it!. also it's not a huge problem in your writing, so you'd probably get it under control naturally when you edit/rewrite!.
The great news about all these criticisms is that they are the type of little things that would get pointed out in a decent peer editing session!. Nothing so major as to suggest that you need to go out and read an entire book before you continue writing, you know!?
Anyway, this is one of the better showings I've seen on here!. Good job, and keep working at it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I thought that was pretty good!. It was interesting and it set the mood instantly!. The description was amazing!. Well done!.
:)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Its really good but im confused because you didnt finish!.!.!.but i deffinatly was hookedWww@QuestionHome@Com
WRITE MORE WRITE MORE WRITE MORE
ohhhh yeh u had me hooked ----- wen u pick best answer do a link or another question or sumthin so we can read the rest!!!!!!!! :-P
more!Www@QuestionHome@Com
oh yea its good but i already read a book like that once!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com