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Question: Feedback on my book!?
I hesitantly knocked on the small, weathered door and stepped back to rest against the cool cement wall behind me sighing with apprehension!. I heard footsteps approach quickly and the battered wood was replaced by Zorin standing tall in the tiny doorway!.
“Hello Elaise” he said with a tiny smile “please come in!.”
I pushed off from the wall and followed Zorin, turning my head to gather in the characteristics of his bedroom!. The bathroom door was open and I could see that the mirror was foggy with steam which made me look at his hair and I noted that it was damp!. His bed was unmade and clothes were strewn about on chairs and his couch!. I stopped and hesitated in the middle of the room, this was much too personal and it made me feel uncomfortable!.
“Are you alright!?” he asked and I turned to see him sitting on the piano stool of his grand piano which was placed where a dining room table should’ve been!.
“Fine” I stammered barely able to get the words out as he looked at me with a quizzical expression!.
“If you don’t want to do this anymore that’s fine” he said quietly, eyes dulling!.
“Oh no, of course I do! Any way I can help” I said quickly and came over to the piano, placing my bag on the floor!.
“Now what is it you want me to do!?” I said smiling at him!.
He got up and went over to a large bookcase, suddenly excited at my enthusiasm, and began pulling piano music from the shelves!.
“I haven’t really decided what I’m singing yet!. It’s a toss up between The Scientist by Coldplay or Come What May from the movie Moulin Rouge!.” He tilted his head and looked at me expectantly waiting for an opinion!.
“I don’t know either of the songs” I replied, looking down at my feet as he gaped at me in surprise!.
“You’ve never heard of Coldplay!?” He asked incredulously!.
“Er, no I don’t think so!.”
“You’ve never seen the movie Moulin Rouge!? You know the one with Nicole Kidman and Ewan Mcgregor!.”
“I’m afraid not” I murmured, his gaze making me feel uncomfortable!.
He shook his head with disbelief “well, we’ll have to fix that then won’t we” he said and marched over to his CD player, flicking through a number of CD’s stacked precariously on top of the table!.
“Ah” he said triumphantly and waved the CD to me from across the room!. I smiled back at him and he bent over to insert the disk into the player and clicked the search button to find the right track!. Piano chords filled the room and Zorin straightened up to walk over to me!. It was the type music I would normally have shied away from but today with Zorin coming towards me it was beautiful!. As he came closer I thought we were going to embrace but instead he brushed past intimately to sit back down on the lowered stool!.
“What do you think!?” He questioned!.
I sucked in my breath and turned to him with a ready smile!. “It’s wonderful!.”
He nodded “and what do you think of the piano, could you play it!?”
I listened again to the song!. The chords were simple enough and the harmony was straightforward!.
“Of course, do you have sheet music for it!?”
He inclined his head to the paper already set out on the holder and patted the space next to him on the stool!.
I sat down on the bench, my breath becoming shallow as our arms touched!. Zorin reached across me and picked up a remote that was resting on the piano ledge and stopped the music!.
“You can play it through first and then on the second time I’ll sing it with you!.”
“Ok” I mumbled, intimidated at our closeness!. I pressed my hands to the cold keys and began to play the notes in front of me!. Zorin hummed along, determining the pitch he needed for certain parts of the song!. When I finished the run through, Zorin reached into his pocket to pull out a pair of tortoise shell glasses and placed them on his face giving him an old-fashioned, academic look!.
“All right, lets get started then” he smiled and I began to play the song, this time not needing to read the music!. Zorin waited for his cue and when he began his deep voice resonated throughout the room as he sung “Tell you I need you; tell you I’ve set you apart!. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard, I’m going back to the start!.” The lyrics made me tense up and his warm breath gently touched my cheek!. My hands faltered on the keys and I stopped, letting them fall into my lap!.
Zorin looked down on me in confusion “what’s wrong!?”
“I’m sorry, could you…maybe it would be better if you stood!.” I didn’t dare look up to see his face!.
“Oh, sorry…are you!? Er, ok then, maybe its best…you know, so that I can hit the notes properly!.” Zorin stood up and walked around to the side of the piano and stood facing me!. He pulled his shirt down and cleared his throat with a little frown on his face!.
He raised his eyes to look at me from the paper he was holding “are you ready!?” He asked without the confidence he had before!. I caught the hurt tone in his voice and blushed!. I knew that it was already difficult for him to sing in front of me and he was making the effort to come off as casual about the situation!. Why did I have to add to the circumstance and make everything awkward!?
“Maybe that’s enough for today” I suggested and rose from the seat, grabbing my bag which was leaning against the piano leg!.
“But you only just got here” Zorin said, baffled at my sudden change in attitude, following me to the door!. I pulled the handle and halted in the frame, spinning around and almost bumping into Zorin who was close behind me!.
“Did I do something!?” He asked with concern, his eyes showing his hurt!.
“Tomorrow night at seven!?” I posed, avoiding his question!.
“You want to continue!?” he asked in shock!.
“Of course I do, I just can’t continue tonight” I said!.
“Well if you’re still keen, I’ll see you tomorrow evening and show you that other song” he responded with a tiny smile!.
“I look forward to it” I said and gave him a wave before I turned to run back along the corridor and out into the cold night air towards my dorm, feeling ashamed at my childish behaviour!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! I LOVE IT!!! You are SUCH a good writer!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! You should REALLY write more!!!!!!!!! OMG!Www@QuestionHome@Com

You're a decent writer, and with some editing and cutting, this could be a very interesting piece!. Here's a bit of honest feedback:

You use far too many adjectives and don't trust the reader to understand what's going on without spelling out every little detail for them!. There's no need to describe every little movement, and it often bores readers!.

also, there's no need to include dialogue tags or action lines after every bit of dialogue!. It disrupts the flow and makes it 'heavier' to read than it ought to be!.

I'm also not really sure how important this section is to your overall story!. There's very light sexual tension, but there isn't any of the sort of conflict a good opening (if this is what it is) should have!. Even if it isn't your opening, it still lacks the conflict necessary to keep a reader reading!.

As far as the quality of writing goes, there are grammar issues that could easily be remedied with a little bit of research and proof-reading!. I don't have a good idea about their characters, either - they feel generic in a lot of ways right now!.

Either way, it's certainly not a bad piece, but as it stands, it isn't publishable!. It is, however, something you could edit, rewrite, and continue to work on in order to improve!. The biggest problem overall is that, flat-out, there's too much detail, and the scene feels far longer than it should be!. There just isn't enough conflict!. Once you edit to incorporate all of this, it will drastically improve this scene and your writing!.

Best of luck to you!Www@QuestionHome@Com

wow, very good, I want to read more! Why did you have to stop there!?! lol

you would be a very good author!

CAN YOU POST MORE!?!?!? or at least email it to me!?!?!?!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like the dialogue and description, but where are you going with the plot!? Obviously, all I can give feedback on is your writing style, here!. Sooo!.!.!.

I LOVE IT! :)

I'll tell you this: you have greaaaaaaaaat writing style!. However, I'm not sure about how good you are plot-wise!. So, as far as grading your book, I can't really help you with that so far!.

Sorry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Sounds like an interesting story and I really like your writing style!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Ok, I have read several bits of peoples stories on YahooAnswers and this is the best I've read so far!. Great vocabulary, distinct characterization, intriguing sexual tension and, what I liked best, a subtle way of being very descriptive!.
Keep it up!Www@QuestionHome@Com