Position:Home>Books & Authors> Is my imagery good? Im 12 & only mom has ever seen my writing. Can someone give
Question: Is my imagery good!? Im 12 & only mom has ever seen my writing!. Can someone give me their honest opinion of it!?
The moon shone with amazing brilliance & lighted a large forest millions of miles below it!. The trees swayed w/the wind, whispering softly 2 the animals living around them!. A large river nearby sang 2 the cloudless, blue sky, while the tall, green grass danced w/the breeze!. The forest!. So full of peace and serenity!. All was tranquil, except one of the inhabitants!.
A girl dressed in rags sat under one of the swaying trees, deep in thought!. The girl had hair that was a light blonde, & hung down to her hips!. She had a rawboned figure with pale complexion, despite living in the wilderness!. Her eyes were filled with thought and emotion!. They were a strange mixture of color, & gave off an eerie feeling!. They were gray with a little ring of green circling the pupil, surrounded by more tiny, green specs!. Never, were her eyes without a feeling of intensity!. Even the strongest would fill with apprehension when captured in the glare that the girl held them in with!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
1!. It's too descriptive!. All the unnecessary adjectives are weighing down the story!. We understand the wind is blowing so you don't have to keep mentioning that the tree's and grass are swaying in it!.
2!. Remember what you just wrote!. Sentence 1, the moon is out and lighting the forest!. Sentence 3 the river is singing to the cloudless blue sky!. How is the moon lighting the forest in the middle of the day!? Is it night or day!?
3!. Know your facts!. The moon is not millions of miles away from the Earth!. Even if you're not talking about Earth any object millions of miles away from a planet would not be a "moon"!. I actually stopped reading at the point and went to another question!. I had to force myself to come back and finish the rest!. Reader's aren't dumb and an error like that can be an enormous turn off!.
With that said, your imagery is descent!. Just don't overdo it!. Sometimes less is more!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
For 12, that's pretty amazing!. I'm assuming you used things like "2" just to short cut your writing for us to read, which is totally fine, but don't get into the habit of using short cuts like that!. It's a difficult habit to break!. People won't take you seriously if you turn in a manuscript in "txt" lingo!.
Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com
good!. your only problem is thus;
"The girl had hair that was a light blond, & hung down to her hips"
or!?
A wiled girl!. swiming in a sea of her sunflower curls!.
the words, "had" and "was" should alwase be avoided in discription!.
{u hooked me with the first sentence!. pats on the back}Www@QuestionHome@Com
For 12, thats pretty good!. You definitely have potential to become a writer, keep up the good work, read lots of books and continue practicing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think that is wonderful! You are very talented for a 12 year old!. You should consider being an author!. (I assume you have)
I think the imagery is great!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Your hook's been done a million times before in the fashion you have it written!. It doesn't have enough imagery!. Here's my sentence imagery for moonlight that I've done for one of my published short stories:
Moonlight held the forest in its steadfast bosom, breathing over the land like a heavy bellows!.
Your imagery isn't very colorful!.!.!.believe me!. There needs to be more poetic action!. And the thing with this, you use too much of it!. Your hook isn't exactly so catching because it's been done so many times before!. And in stories and books nowadays, no one dedicates paragraphs anymore to paragraph description!. The look of a character is more or less left to the reader now!. Character description is generally descreetly added!. Such as this right here:
Alice's mother snorted, snapped the fan shut, and set it back in her straining bodice!. She pursed her fat lips, narrowed her hazel eyes, and scanned area!. Then, she took her hat down, adjusted the peacock feathers, and set it back on to of her chestnut curls!.
You do too much telling and not enough showing!. Your imagery is just spend fed to us!. Not very interesting!. Show us how her eyes are filled with emotion, show us how she's deep in thought, show us how her eyes were without feeling of intensity!. Most scenes at the beginning of novels beg to be shown!. I'll give you an example of how you could show that she's deep in thought!.
A girl dressed in rags sat under one of the swaying trees, her chin resting on her knees, an empty look about her face, and her face creasing every once in a while!. (From this, we know the character is definitely thinking about something!.)
There's a lot you can do without!. Personally, I don't think your first paragraph adds anything special to this writing piece!. It's useless imagery!. Remember, action before explanation!. You do the exact opposite!. In my short story with the sentence I used above for you, the moonlight holding the forest to its steadfast bosom is action because it's symbolic for what's about to happen next!.Www@QuestionHome@Com