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Question: Is this story good enough to get published!?
The Beginning
I walk down the frozen street towards the silver castle, little snowflakes fall ever-gently onto my coat!. I reach out a hand and catch one of the snowflakes, they aren’t white like the snowflakes on earth but a metallic silver and hard as rock!. I look up at the big silver door of the castle and reach for the knocker ( a snowflake ), delicately lifting it then letting it drop!. Behind the door you can hear the softest chiming!. The big door swings open and I am flooded with white light, I slowly open my eyes to see…
Mum staring at me with her bright green eyes (strangely though I have silver eyes while everyone else in my family has green!.!.!.)
‘Wakey, Wakey,’ mum say’s while shaking me why does she always have to wake me from heaven (if that is what that place is!.)
‘Muuum go away,’ I mutter and throw a pillow at her
‘School honey come on,’ she reply’s
Mums are so annoying, how will I survive!?
I stomp down the stairs and plonk myself down on a chair, reaching for a bowl and the packet of Fruit loops, I know it’s not a healthy breakfast but it’s better then nothing, after I finish my unhealthy meal, I go upstairs and grab my bag then walk downstairs and out the door to school!.
***
I don’t know why he talks to me, the cutest boy in school talks to me!. Wow!!!!. And only a minite ago he flirted with me, I think, but I’m pretty sure, pretty!. This is how are conversation went!.
Christelle (me): Oh hey
James (cutest boy ever): Hey, Whats up!?
Christelle: ‘Um !.!. nothing really!’James: Riight, do you have French class today!?
Christelle: yes
James: Wanna be partners!?
Christelle: ok
Yeah I know, I have no boy talent!. It probably should of went like this!.
Christelle: Hey James, What's up!?
James: Nothing really, You!?
Christelle: Ahh same here
James: so Anyway do you have French today!?
Christelle: Unluckily
James: Wanna be partners!? (winks)
Christelle: Ok, that would be fun
James: see you in French then!?
Christelle: yeah bye
James: bye
Ahhh he talked to me!.
***
‘Bonjour, mon nom est Christelle, ce qui est à vous ’ I ask
We sit there happily chatting in French!.
‘Serez-vous ma amie !? Mon beau Christelle’ he say’s
I have never heard those words before, I look up each word in my French dictionary, and the results are stunning!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I admire your great ideas!. I enjoy writing books but only wish I could be as good as you are! I like it and would so read the rest! Good job and keep at it, don't give up!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It has potential, but it needs to be cleaned up a bit!. also, there are several small grammar errors I noticed!.
For example:
It should be "replies" not "reply's"
also, it should be "says" not "say's"Www@QuestionHome@Com
Maybe after you get an editor to edit this piece,
"Will you be my friend!? Beautiful Christelle"Www@QuestionHome@Com
The whole dream sequence at the start is useless and there are run-on sentences!. The plot is unrealistic (the hottest guy ever just randomly talks to her!? Not reason!?)
"strangely though I have silver eyes while everyone else in my family has green!.!.!." Is bad info-dumping!. I think you should find a better way to tell the reader that Christelle's eyes are silver than just saying it!.
Does Christelle turn out to be a Vampire!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
It is a very good plot, how long is the book going to be!? there are some run on sentances that you could try and fix, "I stomp down the stairs and plonk myself down on a chair, reaching for a bowl and the packet of Fruit loops, I know it’s not a healthy breakfast but it’s better then nothing, after I finish my unhealthy meal, I go upstairs and grab my bag then walk downstairs and out the door to school!."
If you want to write a story in 100 days or less, go to,
http://www!.peacecorpswriters!.org/pages/d!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I admire your want to write but it wasn't a very good plot!. After reading that section I would mosst likely to put the book down and find another!. Sorry! I just think you need to editorialize it and clean it up a bit!. By the way you kept saying MUM not MOM!. Is she in england!? If she is you should notify the reader!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Hi,
Most stories undergo quite a few drafts before they're ready for publication, and most writers have to produce many short stories before they get a feel for the form!.
It's a bit like wanting to play an instrument in a professional orchestra - you're up against people who've been practicing for years and years!.
Instead of editing a short piece over and over again, though, I'd recommend writing as many different stories as you possibly can!. Some will end too soon, many will have plots or characters you recognise from TV or movies, but gradually you'll develop your own voice, and that's when your work will be closer to publishable standard!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I'm not gonna like, I don't like it!. You sound like you are young, so you have plenty of time to work with your writing ability!. When using conversation you never put [the name (me) : Yeah like this place is like totally cool or whatever like!.] BTW NEVER PUT Chris (me) or James (cutest boy ever!) Use quotes like this!.
"Like this place is totally cool or whatever, like," Chris said!.
"Yeah, i guess its alright" James said
"Blah blah blah"
"he he he"
In two person conversation its understood who is talking if you identify at first which one is which (does that make sense!?)
And how does the first part translate into the second!.!.!. it sounds like its from two different stories!. Make it fit together!.
Oh and with your french part, not that many people know french, so you have to make it clear what your trying to say!.!.!.
Try this:
"Hello, My name is Chris" I said in french
"Blah blah blah blah" he said (make this the french stuff)
Or something to that affect!.!.!.
The paragraph with wakey wakey is really cheesy and kind've dumb, no offense!.
And I dont like the part about the breakfast, fruitloops are healthier than a lot of other items (mcdonalds anyone!?)
No offense but I wanted to gag when you were talking about the snowflakes, its really really cheesy!.
And unless its set in the UK most kids call their mother mom not mum!. And its gotten to the point where I'm fed up with people using mum in stories!.!.!.
I'm sorry if I've offended or hurt you, I'm just trying to help you along with your story, its nothing personal!. My friends called me the grammar nazi lol!.!.!.
The stuff I do like:
I like the part where you don't really know what hes saying!. I was interested in what he was saying!. You just need to work on the things I listed but other than that it wasnt too bad!.Www@QuestionHome@Com