Position:Home>Books & Authors> Is this good?bad? should i keep writing below is excerpts from a book i wrote pl
Question: Is this good!?bad!? should i keep writing below is excerpts from a book i wrote please give me input!!?
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Damn his eyes were beautiful!. It was the first thing i noticed about him,and the last, God that small space under the desk looked inviting!. Pathetic!.Pathetic!.I am the most pathetic!.!.!.I allowed mu thoughts to go in that general direction as i so often do!. A tear fell down my cheek clumsily!. so stupidly!.Pathetic!.
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His hands around my waist!.No not waist!.Stop it just stop it!. I kicked him into the crowd!.Not hard I swear!.I looked up looks like brown-eyes was watching!.I gave him my best shot at a 'would you like to be next' look and turned!. One!.!.Two!.He was there!. He had been on the other end of the dance hall!.
"Wow fast much!?"
"Did I scare u!?"
Amused!.He was amused!.
"Not much I guess i gave you an adrenaline rush huh!?"
"Yea its very common you can google it"
He turned his eyes on me intensely
"I think we should dance"
more!.dont have room thoWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I can only guess this may be another 'supernatural creature' story!.!.!. but I can't tell for sure!. I hope, if it is, you have a very original tale to tell about your protagonist!.
The first line is good, and what follows may (I think) explain that the first person POV speaker is afraid of this man who has beautiful eyes, and wants to hide under a desk!. Is that right!? A bit of re-writing can make this clear!.
When you write 'I am most pathetic!.!.!. ' --in that paragraph, does it refer to a thought the speaker has frequently!?
Most readers like an intro to a story to be clear rather than confusing!.
This is ALmost clear, but not quite yet!.
An easy fix, if you look at it as if you're someone else, seeing it for the first time!.
After the asterisks, what do you mean by "No not waist" and "I looked up looks like brown-eyes watching"!.!.!. !?
And where/why does a sudden reference to google come in!?
More simple re-writing for clarity and active voice will do well here!.
In relation to active voice, it's always better to leave adverbs and prepositions alone whenever possible: "He turned his eyes on me intensely" is awkward, when it could read: "His look was intense!."
A reader will know you mean this man is looking at the speaker!. Adverbs and prepositions (like 'intensely' and 'on') slow things down and are passive voice choices!.
"!.!.!.turned his eyes!.!.!. " sounds like it took a long time for this man to do that (awkward), so I suggest you drop those words as well!.
It's a simple re-write, and it's easy to hear where you might want change it by reading it out loud!.
Good luck with this; I just hope it's an original, fresh idea you're starting here!.
I'll assume so!. Have fun writing, too!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
its good!.!. im lost doe have no clue what your talking aboutWww@QuestionHome@Com
No you are all over the place!. I have a hard time keeping track of what is going on!.
Show don't tell, let the reader feel and experience the moment!.
An exapme, Across the room from the red green and purple flashing lights Jims deep dark brown eyes sruck me like a laser!. I fumbled and dropped my purse and my credit cards, lipstick and keys fell out!. As I was picking them up I could smell leather shoe polish and saw a expensive Gucci leather shoe right by my keys!. As I picked them up Jim said "do you want to dance" and I nearly fell on my butt!. I am no expert at writing so take this with a grain of salt!.Www@QuestionHome@Com