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Question: What do you think of the beginning of my short story!?
I was cooking spaghetti when the phone rang!. I was at the crucial moment, the moment when I had to turn off the heat and strain the spaghetti!. I was stuck between the phone and my pasta for a moment and decided to answer the phone!.
”HELLO HANDSOME, LOL”
”Oh my god what!?” I said!.
“You’re so good looking”
”Who is this!?” I was terrified!.
“This is Jane Smith!.”
“Oh hi Jane! What’re you wearing!?”
”Nothing!.”
”Kk, me neither!.”
“Kk, bye!.” She rang off!. I was incredibly turned on!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You're a genius!. Your prose is so intelligent and poetic!. It flows beautifully!. Your dialogue unlocks the window to true emotional and psychological understanding!. You are a god amongst men!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I'm having trouble figuring out if this is actually a serious attempt at writing!.
If not, then seriously, get a life!.
If it is, then i'm sorry for the previous statement!.
While your beginning could be more descriptive and just generally better written, i think the actual event of cooking spagetti and the dilemma which your character faces is a good place to start, although you rushed through it a little!.
Do you know people that actually say 'lol' when they speak!? Because i sure don't!. keep the msn speak to msn, that includes 'kk' as well!.
Your dialogue also needs to be more descriptive, not to mention realistic!. Is that generally how your conversations go!?
Finally, your peice has no emotion what so ever!. Stories are nothing without emotion!. You can say that your character is terrified, but you needto SHOW it!. And i'm not gonna count 'turned on' as an emotion!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The beginning is perfect in terms of short stories!. It says all it needs to without wasting any words!. It sets the scene, introduces the character sort of, and creates a situation!. Very good!. The dialogue is!.!.!.unique!. Someone said if it isn't serious you need to get a life!. It probably isn't serious, but you don't need to get a life!. What a ridiculous thing to say!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I actually like the beginning, with the spaghetti cooking and the phone ringing!.
But do people really say "What are you wearing!?" to one another so fast!? I mean, is this realistic conversation!?
To me, you need a little more conversation in there!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I know its a short story!.!.!. but its true, it seems to be moving really fast!.!.!. maybe give us a bit more description so we can get a better idea of what's going on
but I do like the idea of the struggle between the food and the phone (I can just picture the balancing act!.!.!. )Www@QuestionHome@Com
What is this exactly!? I hope it's not the real beginning of your short story unless your story is going to be in text-speak!.
Good luck either way!Www@QuestionHome@Com
i agree with both 'super frog daves tokyo' and 'Barbara E from Houston Texas 'Www@QuestionHome@Com
lol if its a comedy random its good! lolWww@QuestionHome@Com
i agree with Barbara E from Houston Texas, the spaghetti bit was good!.!.!.!. then you ruined it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
To be honest, its awful!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com