Is this beginning of my story good?

Question: Is this beginning of my story good!?

The forest floor crackled as we ran upon the leaves!. My friend, Robert ran at my side, shaking in the cold gust of wind!. We were running through the forest!. Running from the creature!. The creature had an outline of a dog!. But we knew it wasn’t one, the creature’s eyes gleamed with terror, I could see the cold evil in those eyes!. In those dark red eyes!. Saliva ran down it’s mouth, craving for its meal!. We thought the legion of the werewolf was fake!. I looked up in the air and saw the moon, the moon had just turned full!. And I knew, I knew the wolf was ready for its attack!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Okay, I tried to post this one on your old question, but then you deleted it before I posted!. So I copied it and saved my answer (because I spent so much time on it) and what do you know! You're back!

So here was my original answer:

I can't say I'm a big fan of your description!. "We were running through the forest!. Running from the creature!. The creature had an outline of a dog!. But we knew it wasn't one!.!.!."

The staccato sentences and poor description combined with contradiction of your description just scream juvenile to me!.

First you say it has the outline of a dog, then you say that the kids know it isn't one!.
It's a clear description (I get it!. It has the outline of a dog, but with different eyes and teeth) but it's annoying!.

also, that's kind of a poor description!. It has the outline of a dog!. You should find a better way to describe that!. Instead of saying "it looks like a dog except this and this", try to describe the animal!.

Your piece is in the first person!. But that does NOT mean you can throw in all those sentence fragments and awful grammar!. It's okay to write informally when in first person, but you can't just ignore all the rules!. Clear up the run-on sentences and don't just throw random clauses into the mix!.

You should be using first person to make your character's emotions more realistic!. The last sentence you wrote is a good start of that!. Your main character needs to be more angsty! xD Make him worry and be obviously scared!. (But don't lose him to cliches like "my heart was in my mouth"!.) Just make him be scared!.

As for your good points: Your style is far more interesting than my own!. I love some parts of it!. Unlike me, you can be descriptive without it sounding phony!. If I used phrases like "cold gust of wind", I would seem like I was trying too hard, but your story pulled it off!. You've used the colloquial phrases and first person to make the description more bearable and lively!. Good job with that!.

Overall, you need an editor badly, but your beginning isn't bad!. In fact, it's much better than I expected!. It just needs a little sprucing up and tidying!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

listen, you're a very good writer but try not to break your sentences up like!.

" I could see the cold evil in those eyes!. In those dark red eyes!."
it sounds ultra-corny when you could just condense it to "I could see the cold evil in those dark red eyes!."

you have a long future ahead of you and you have a magnificent start!. Try to write everyday to keep your skills sharp!.

-Best WishesWww@QuestionHome@Com

It seems overdone!. Like your trying to hard!. When your writing you gotta relax!. Im a big time reader and the storyline sounds amazing!. You got good details!. But don't force the story on the readers!. I know the mood of the story is supposed to be tense but relax it a little!. Smooth out the choppyness!.

Best of luck!. I know writing can be dificult but for your age and the paragraph you have just showed us was amazing!. Keep up the good work and just relax things out!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Scott, for 12 you have a great start, keep at it!. I agree that it is choppy, it just doesn't flow quite right, but with practice and time I'm sure that will come!. For sharing just one paragraph, you included drama, suspense, and a good physical description of the surroundings!. The best way to improve is to continue writing, love what you are doing, and never lose your youthful spirit!. Good Luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Stick with it buddy!
Trust me, when I was twelve I had a passion for writing and wanted to be an author too!. I wrote and wrote al the time!.
Now four years later when I look back at some of the stuff I wrote, I kinda cringe!. But stick with it! truely! I did and now I've won two awards for my writing, one at state evel on at national!. Trust me,
If writing is waht you wanna do, in my mind, there's no higher calling, then go for it kid! ; )Www@QuestionHome@Com

The short sentences are very annoying!. very annoying!. see how i write!? like this!? is that annoying!? does that annoy you!?

You have atmosphere I'll give you that but the pretentious syntax (how you compose your sentences) is not great!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

(in a sarcastic tone) Um!.!. for 12 years old, I think it's amazing!. I liked it!.!. it kept my attention, it was detailed w/out rambling!.!. I definilty would read more!. I think you have talent, please do something w/ it!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's a bit choppy; though it sounds like there's a good plot idea in there!.

Actually, come to think of it, it seems a bit like Faulkner in the way it jumps around!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Kinda corny but it is a good start!. I just don't know how something that is chasing you can have "terror in it's eyes"!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

sounds like a nice plot, it kept me reading so i liked it, but you spelt legend wrong!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I love it it sounds really catchyWww@QuestionHome@Com

Well, it isn't the best I've seen, but you know, it's pretty damn good for someone who's 12!. Keep it up!Www@QuestionHome@Com

The content and description is pretty good!. I think the main thing all writer's struggle with is putting as much detail as possible into less words!. Usually writing involves writing a lot of potential content, and then cutting out about half of the words by combining sentences!. What you have is fairly concise and you might even want to add in more detail!. For example, why did you know the creature was not a dog!? I would describe the creature in more detail, especially the detail that helps you realize the creature is not a dog!. The best writing helps the reader reach the conclusion you want them to reach without telling them exactly what to think (i!.e!. "it's a werewolf")!. If you can do that your writing will be very powerful!.

Good luck to you! I think you have the potential to be a very good writer!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's a really good start, I hope you don't mind but I'm gonna switch a couple things around for the sake of setting!. Watch what I do to the story, k hun!.

The forest floor crackled as I ran upon the leaves!. My friend, Robert ran at my side, shaking at the cold gust of wind flowing past us!. Both of us running!. Running from the creature which had the outline of a dog and eyes gleaming with terror!. I knew it was no dog from the cold evil in those eyes!. Those dark red eyes, and the teeth! Teeth the size of a shark's teeth! We had thought the legion of the werewolf was fake!. As I looked up into the sky I watched as the full moon came and the forest shined with light!. I knew then, more than I have ever cared to know throughout my life, the wolf was ready for its attack!.

You have to think about what you can put together, never be afraid to be "too" bold or "too" out there!. If you need anything more or want to tell me how much you hate it, just e-mail me!.Www@QuestionHome@Com