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Question: Is this piece of writing any good!?
Hello
This is the introduction of a novel I am working on!. Please tell me what you think!.
____The sound of beating chests and vicious roars shook the forest!. The wildmen where coming for him!. He ran as fast as he could, the raw primal will to survive the only thing keeping his legs from collapsing!. Every thought, every sense was blocked out by fear and the need to get away!.
____He dared not look behind him, but the cries of the wildmen where getting loader, closer!. He tripped over a tree root and in the same moment his face hit the ground, they where around him!.
____The forest fell silent, not even the animals making a sound!. Only the panted breathing of the fallen broke the silence!. The wildmen looked to their chief!. One last roar from the chief sentencing his death, and they where upon him!. He was one of them but it made no difference!. The wildmen knew no friends!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I'm the manager of a writer's critique group!. I think you have a great hook here!. It has an intense, gripping quality and makes the reader want to read on!.
This is how I critique a writer's work in my group!. These are only suggestions, so feel free to ignore if you wish:
____The sound of beating chests and vicious roars shook the forest!. The wildmen [where] (were) coming for him!. [He ran as fast as he could],(this could be made more interesting, don't tell us he ran as fast as he could, SHOW us, ie, his legs flew over the fallen branches of the forest floor and his lungs were on fire) the raw(,) primal will to survive the only thing [keeping] (choose a better word, ie, preventing) his legs from collapsing!. Every thought, every sense was blocked out by fear and the need to [get away] (escape)!.
____He dared not look behind him, but the cries of the wildmen where getting l[oader] (louder), closer!. [He tripped over a tree root and in the same moment, his face hit the ground, they where around him!.] (separate this into two sentences, the way it is written, it sounds as if he tripped and his face hit the ground in the same moment!.)
____The forest fell silent, not even the animals making a sound!. [Only the panted breathing of the fallen broke the silence!.] (awkward, keep it simple, ie, only his frantic panting broke the silence, flowery prose is often too much for the average reader!. I know it hurts, but sometimes what you feel is the best thing you've ever written ends up in the recycle bin because it's too poetic!.) The wildmen looked to their chief!. [One last roar from the chief sentencing his death,] (Show don't tell, describe the cheif and use dialogue for the death sentence) and they where upon him!. [He was one of them but it made no difference!.] (show this, maybe one of the wildmen is a brother or cousin or father, it will show more of what's at stake in the story) The wildmen knew no friends!.
If this is the first time you've ever had a critique of your work, I apologize! It's so hard to hear your work get critiqued!. If you really want to be a writer, you must develop a thick skin and prepare to accept constructive criticism!.
You really do have a gift for prose, so keep it up!. I already want to read on! If you would like more of the above kind of critique, you can apply to join my critique group!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You mean were, not where!. Where sounds like wear and refers to a place, not something which happened!.
It's ok, but you're telling, not showing!. Bring us closer to the character and the intensity of his experience!. Let us see what he sees, and feel what he feels!.
Good luck : )Www@QuestionHome@Com
Yes, wow that is interesting I like it a lot!. Very good, I can only imagine what happens next! :)
The only thing is that is has not such good grammar!.Www@QuestionHome@Com