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Question: Is the opening to my first attempt at a novel any good!? Honest replies please - I can take it!!?
Today is the day!. I knew it from the moment I bolted upright to the acerbic Chris Moyles sardonically alerting me to the fact that it is seven fifty-five am and time to go to Dom for the News!. I knew it when I threw back the quilt, leapt out of bed and made the one meter dash from my solace to the shower and stubbed my little toe on the negligently discarded dressing table stool!. And I knew it when hopping about under its immature icicles, gasping for compassion, blindly fumbling around for redemption, I realised my shampoo was still in its Tesco carrier bag on the kitchen counter downstairs!. I knew it would happen on a day when I had bad hair!.
I ventured downstairs to a furore of duelling as Pasht and her prey faced each other off over the coffee table!. Her victim took advantage of the split second reprieve as Pasht shot me a look of treacherous indignation before pouncing; her mark found a sanctuary in the shape of Peleus wrestling with his future bride, the sea-nymph Thetis, and cowered behind their crusade!. After pawing at the heavy ceramic vase for five minutes Pasht relinquished her battle to follow the usual whiff of first morning coffee coming through from the clunking kitchen, denoting breakfast was being served!. The hapless victim refused to give up its fight and had me chasing after it for the next twenty minutes whilst Pasht apathetically cleaned her mouse-tainted paws; cementing my lateness!. They say bad things occur in three’s!.
I abandoned the disarray that consisted of strewn wet towels and half-drunk coffee and slammed the blue panelled door behind me, the brass number seventeen sloping off even more to the left and following me with a knowing, mocking smirk!. Oblivious to the unusually blue January sky above me I trudged the eighteen minute walk past wheezing joggers, covertly smoking teenagers and urgent bumper to bumper cars trying to eat each other up!. If I had known today was the day I would have drank in its crispness, greedily gulped the discarded nicotine and saluted the intent drivers!. They say hindsight is a wonderful thing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
First of all, I liked the Thetis reference!. And it is pretty well written!. But I'm going to give u a nice, specific list of constructive criticism!.
-Make it clearer that Pasht is a cat (we don't need a mystery like that right at the beginning of a story)
-Start the story later in the day (Start it with some action actually happening!. We don't need to see the character's whole morning routine!. It needs some action to draw the reader in!. Maybe it should start once he leaves the house!.!.!.)
-Don't use a dictionary or any kind of reference book for the first draft (there are a few places where u used big words that didn't seem to fit)
And my last advice is--Don't get critiques this early in the game!. If this is all you've written, you need to focus on finishing your story!. Just plow on through, and then we'll all be here to help edit when you're done!.
So don't go back and change this until the first draft is complete!.
Good luck and keep writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com
"Terrifyingly" wordy!.
General rule of thumb: If the word ends in -ly, don't use it!.
Got that!?
Keep your adjectives and adverbs to the bare minimum!. Concentrate on "fresh" metaphores and similes to develop imagery!. All the modifiers do is clutter sentences and bore readers!.
Good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I'd have to agree with Vet!. At times, it was a little wordy!. just try to make it more concise and to the point!. Otherwise, its really good! Nice job!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Horrifically bad!. I couldn't get past the second sentence!. Don't quit your day job!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
im confused!.
and the suspense is killing me!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
k idont like novals unles by steven king but ya grate startWww@QuestionHome@Com
Wow, !.!.!. don't quit your day job!. It is far too wordy with endlessly boring run-on sentences!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I agree that this is verbose and the part with the cat confused me for a moment until I understood who/what you were talking about!. You contradict yourself: "Today is the day!. I knew it from the moment I bolted!.!.!." and "If I had known today was the day, I would have!.!.!." Choose which direction you want to go in, because this is an effective hook!. Be clear and remember that even though you see the image in your head, we are just being introduced to these characters, so you have to give us some introductions!. Slow down!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow! Sounds like something that could definetly be published! I want to keep reading! You do a really good job with descriptive words, as my english teacher says, you show not tell!. You make the reader feel like they're somehow witnessing all this!. Keep writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I completely agree with The Vet!. There are WAY too many adverbs and adjectives and, like one of the other posters said, the beginning and ending contradict each other!. The main character woke up, chased a mouse, drank some coffee and then walked somewhere!. I was able to sum up your 364 word passage in 15 words!. Absolutely nothing of interest happens in the entire passage, I don't know whether the main character is male or female (unless the Tesco carrier bag is supposed to be an indication that it's a female) and I'm not drawn in in a way that makes me care about what happens!. What you have here is a description of arbitrary actions!. You could remove any one of the sentences in the passage and it wouldn't affect it at all!. If removing a sentence or paragraph doesn't change the story in any way then that is a clear indication that that particular sentence or paragraph is useless!. Focus more on the plot and character development!. Focus on the things that cause a reader to become intellectually and emotionally involved!. Walking, picking something up, dealing with the pet, eating, getting ready for work--all of those types of things are boring to read about!. Focus more on conflict and overcoming adversity!. A book I recommend to all writers is On Writing by Stephen King!. It's only 7!.99 in the bookstore and it's and investment that pays dividends forever!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Simplest piece of advice: read this aloud!.
You've got good ideas and you clearly know a lot of words, but if you read it aloud you'll find you've crammed too much into each sentence; it trips the tongue trying!. Cut it down a bit, less description, less information!. It detracts from what's actually happening -- a reader loses the plot, stops caring!. I mean, do you really notice all these things!? Does your reader really need to know *everything* that's happening!? Writing's about writing the important bits, not all the miscellaneous detail!. It took me years to get that!.
Just make it less convoluted and it'll be great :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
better like this!.!.!.!.!.
!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.
Today is the day!. I knew it from the moment I bolted upright to Chris Moyles alerting me to the fact that it is seven fifty-five am and time to go to Dom for the News!. I knew it when I threw back the quilt, leapt out of bed and made the one meter dash to the shower and stubbed my little toe on the dressing table stool!.
I realised my shampoo was still in its Tesco carrier bag on the kitchen counter downstairs!. I knew it would happen on a day when I had bad hair!.
I ventured downstairs to a furore of duelling as Pasht and her prey faced each other over the coffee table!. Her victim took advantage of the split second reprieve as the feline shot me a look of indignation!.
After pawing at the heavy ceramic vase for five minutes Pasht gave up her battle to follow the usual whiff of first morning coffee drifting through from the kitchen, denoting breakfast was being served!. The hapless victim refused to give up its fight and had me chasing after it for the next twenty minutes whilst Pasht cleaned her mouse-tainted paws; cementing my lateness!. They say bad things occur in three’s!.
I abandoned the disarray of strewn wet towels and half-drunk coffee and slammed the door behind me, the brass number seventeen sloped even more to the left with a knowing, mocking smirk!. Oblivious to the blue January sky above me I trudged the eighteen minute walk, past wheezing joggers, covertly smoking teenagers and urgent bumper to bumper cars trying to eat each other up!. If I had known today was the day I would have drank to its crispness, gulped the discarded nicotine and saluted the intent drivers!. They say hindsight is a wonderful thing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com