Position:Home>Books & Authors> Please comment upon my short story.?
Question: Please comment upon my short story!.!?
I wrote this story a long time ago for a standardize test, the prompt was to write about a child who found a treasure!. I would really like some comments PLEASE (note not enough room to type so if you want more just say so!.)
My tread was heavy as I climbed the stairs to the attic!. I was lonely, without my mother, without my aunt, the world was a dark and cold place to be!. As I finally reached the attic I started looking and I found a tower of boxes!. on the very top of that tower was a large box labled Jessie's and Emily's treasures, in a large and elegant script!. Intrigued I looked inside!. The first thing I found was a dried rose with a tag tied with a black ribbon!. The tag said "To my dearest Jessica, love Scott!." Scott, I thought to my self, that was my fathers name! "To my dearest Jessica" that must have been my mother prior to their engagement! I wondered why she kept it so long and why she put it in a box of treasures!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I like all of it alot!. It has very good and constant tone throughout!.
However, the last sentence doesn't really seem to fit the rest of the tone!. Maybe something more like: I held the rose close to my heart, its faint, but sweet smell, wafting up my nose!. The very scene of when this was given flickered like an old movie in my head; my mother, young, sweet and smiling, my father, bashful but brave, chasing after her!. Looking at the vibrant colors of the flower, I finally understood why this was in a box of treasures!.
or something like that, perhaps!. I admire your take on the prompt!. Most people would automatically start riding some childish tale about children searching for buried treasure on their backyard!. I liked how you gave th child emotions, because people often forget that children can be deep as well!.
Congratulations on a great piece of work, and good luck with any future writing peices!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Why wouldn't you know your own mother's name and be surprised to see a note to "Jessica" after determining that the writer was your father!? Hard to say whether the rest of the story is any good, but if this is your best paragraph, it's not very exciting!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's a good start!. However, I felt like while you were writing, it wasn't very exciting because you wrote like, First I did this, then I did that, and then I did that!. Try adding some more description between the sentences!. More emotion!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
it really is good!. its very interesting and attion grabbing is there more to the stroy !? if there is i would love to read the rest of it heres my email angel95_5@yahoo!.com please send more to me!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's very good! Suspense & intrigue in one short paragraph, excellent! You have the makings to be an a great novelist!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Its very good!.
But, you need to Proof it!.
If you need help proofing please e-mail me and I would be glad to help!.
Other than that its great!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Hmm!.!.!.
Could of made it a ibt more intresting!.
But very good!
I would liek to hrear more =DWww@QuestionHome@Com
To be honest, its boring!. I read the first sentence and i fell asleep!.Www@QuestionHome@Com