Will you please read my desriptions in my book...?

Question: Will you please read my desriptions in my book!.!.!.!?

will you plz tell me if my character descriptions are okay!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

No offense or anything, but I think they could use some work!.
Alyss, first of all!. I think that looking in the mirror is a very cliche way to describe your main character, but if you feel it must be done that's okay!. I can understand the need for it in first person view, but as you're writing in third person you can probably just describe her without using the old mirror standby!. About the actual description itself!.!.!. The "" on topped is really bothering me!. You don't need it!. Take out the last sentence entirely (in my opinion) and get rid of the exclamation mark on the second last sentence!. In fact, I think that, if you really want that sentence there, you should change it to something like "She didn't match at all, but that was just the way she liked it!."
Okay, Blake!. The writing here is not the greatest, so this paragraph could use some editing!. I also think you used just a few too many adjectives!. Perhaps change it to something like!.!.!. "The vampire got up from the body, blood dripping from his mouth!. It showed up vividly against his pale skin, which glowed in the light of the moon!. He had eyes that were a piercing crimson, alive with a wild, hungry look!. His hair - short, black, messy - fell down into his face!. The vampire got up and began walking towards Alyss!.!.!.!.!." Even that needs some editing - just go through and make changes where the sentences don't really flow!.
And Eryk!.!.!. "A tall, thin boy with perfectly angled features handed Alyss her book!. He had very fair skin and short, wavy, black hair!. The brown in his eyes was so dark it almost matched his hair color, but then again, maybe they were black too!. Either way, she could see why the girls were all falling for him!. "Thanks," she said, taking the book from his hands!. His gaze rested on her for a bit longer then she was comfortable with!.!.!.!.!.!."
There are some parts I would take out in this description, because he seems a little!.!.!. Too perfect in his looks!. But if you really want it like that, that's fine!. I don't really like the sentence about the eyes, but I left it there anyways!. It still needs some work, though!.
All-in-all, this is pretty good!. You just need to keep working on it and editing!. also, beware of people thinking that you're just copying Twilight!. From what you've told us, it does sound a little similar!.!.!.
Anyways, keep up the great work!Www@QuestionHome@Com

what is that!?

a bad impersonation of twilight - thats what it is!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Yeah, this is really good!. Maybe just add a little more suspense to it!. Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com

You did a really good job!. I like the descriptions of the vampires best (Especially Eryk's part)

With Alyss' part, you may want to take the fashion description down a notch!. If her clothing in one scene is really significant, or reallly important to her character, then it's worth mentioning!. But otherwise, we don't really need to know a head-to-toe description!.Www@QuestionHome@Com