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Question: I'm 13 and writing a story!?
I'd like an honest opinion about the begining of my story!.
Frank pushed his fingers over the smooth, worn beads!. He remembered presenting it to Katlin, just a month before!. He had seen it in a store and imeaditily, he thought of her!. He spent $50 on it, a lot of money out of a cops salary!. He had a pang of regret watching her slip it on her pale, skinny wrist!. He figured she would never wear it again!. But to his joy, she wore it every day without fail!. His wife had pestered him, constantly peppering him about how much it had cost!. His wife joked that the day Katlin wasn't wearing it would be the day it was stolen!. But it was Katlin who had been stolen from them!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Awwww, it's enthralling!. I'm hooked!. But, the plot seems to happen alot!. And you can only tell so much by the beginning paragraph!. Darn it, lol, I want to read more of it!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I see the idea, and think it's pretty good!. You did well with description!.
Suggestions:
Spell Check/Grammar Check
If you're in doubt of grammar check, try reading the work aloud!.
Go for a variety of sentence starters!. I notice you used "he/his" several times!.
"But" could be a sentence starter, yet I am reminded of an old rule that suggested you shouldn't begin a sentence with "but" (although I still see it in books)!. If you could, try not using "but" to begin a sentence, it may add more variety to the word play in your story!.
Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Really good!. Very emotive and intriguing for such a short excerpt!. Pay a little more attention to detail with your spelling and grammar, and write fifty dollars instead of $50 - numerals can be jarring in fiction!. I suggest you look for ways to give your sentences more variety too; a lot of them begin with he or his!.
Excellent - keep it up!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It catches the reader's attention, which is definitely good!. However, the spelling errors distract me from enjoying it as much as I could!. Just work on that!. Otherwise, great start!. Keep writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
just 50 dollars lol the rest of it seems interesting but 50s not really that much lolWww@QuestionHome@Com
I liked it, continue writing and maybe it will get published^^ rate it a 6 out of 10Www@QuestionHome@Com
Really good, you have talent but it jumps around a bit!. =)Www@QuestionHome@Com