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Question: Can you give me some constructive criticism on this piece!.!?
My soul has slipped silently from my chest
Drifted out to sea to frolic with the rest
No longer does my heart beat
Within my silent breast
……Did I pass the test!?
My body has become an ashen lump
Not much left smoldering
On this blackened stump!.
And Pile of melted steal!.
I never saw it coming
I t happened so fast
When metal hit metal
The die was cast!.
That breath was
My last!.
I float
My spirit soars
As my body lowers
Into the frozen ground
And there is no sound
No sad or joyful chorus!.
Someone stands by
A tear drops from his eye
Before he turns and goes
He says a prayer and articulates words
He drops a black Rose
He quickly then goes
He disappears in mist
My spirit rises slips far and fast away now
I am, forever now, …!. A distant memory

This is not my usual!.!. I just was giving it a try!. Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The piece is what it is!.!.!.!.

Its hard to make light of death!.

Its symmetrical !.!.!. the shape of a letter B

and based on the "steal" it sounds like
a lonely death due to a stolen car crash!.

The first part curves down to death
and second part grows to the next phase!.

I too have written of death !.!.!.!. its unavoidable!.

be
at

Peace!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Sorry it's just to depressing, but in a way very beautiful!. It sounds like a loved one is gone forever!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's Ok A little to sad for me!.!.!.It won't win any awards!.!.!.
All I make out of it is hurt, death and lost memories of someone once loved!.
it needs passion and warmth!.Www@QuestionHome@Com