What do you think of my monologue??? Feedback plz?

Question:Oh my gosh Ashley that was the worst date ever!!! First of all he shows up 43 minutes late. And he comes up with some lame excuse that he couldn’t find the restaurant he chose saying he hadn’t been there in a long time. As if I wasn’t upset already, his phone starts ringing and he answers it, he starts talking obnoxiously loud and everyone in the restaurant is looking at us. I was so embarrassed. So the waiter comes and takes our order and he orders the most expensive thing, and I start thinking wow someone’s trying to impress me. Then there’s a long awkward pause. When he finally starts to try to make conversation instead of you know how a typical person would ask how you’re doing how your day was, he starts asking the most random questions like what color my house was and what my favorite brand of water was. Then he asks what kind of shampoo I use and rather than saying my hair smelled good or something he tells me I have a bunch of split ends. So finally were done eating and the waiter brings the tab and he says “Oh can you get that, I don’t get paid till Friday.” I was so mad. So after the waiter brings my receipt and stuff I get up and start getting my things and he gets up too and says I had such a great time, you want to do this again next week? And I just looked at him and said Hell No!!!

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Oh my gosh Ashley that was the worst date ever!!! First of all he shows up 43 minutes late. And he comes up with some lame excuse that he couldn’t find the restaurant he chose saying he hadn’t been there in a long time. As if I wasn’t upset already, his phone starts ringing and he answers it, he starts talking obnoxiously loud and everyone in the restaurant is looking at us. I was so embarrassed. So the waiter comes and takes our order and he orders the most expensive thing, and I start thinking wow someone’s trying to impress me. Then there’s a long awkward pause. When he finally starts to try to make conversation instead of you know how a typical person would ask how you’re doing how your day was, he starts asking the most random questions like what color my house was and what my favorite brand of water was. Then he asks what kind of shampoo I use and rather than saying my hair smelled good or something he tells me I have a bunch of split ends. So finally were done eating and the waiter brings the tab and he says “Oh can you get that, I don’t get paid till Friday.” I was so mad. So after the waiter brings my receipt and stuff I get up and start getting my things and he gets up too and says I had such a great time, you want to do this again next week? And I just looked at him and said Hell No!!!

I'm going to do a more naturalistic edit.
Oh Ashley that was the worst date ever!!! First of all he shows up 43 minutes late. Nearly 44! Then he comes up with some lame excuse that he couldn’t find the restaurant cos he hadn’t been there in a long time. HE chose it. I didn't say a word. He could see I was upset, but he didn't care. He just... looked at me. So we get to the table and we're there for 5 seconds, I'm fuming, trying to decide whether to even stay...and his phone rings! I thought "Okay buddy here's your chance to redeem yourself, turn it off, tell me how nice I look and I'll give you a second chance" No such luck. He answers it, and worse, get this...he starts talking obnoxiously about some...deal "Aw yeah, Phil, sweet, just don't tell Charlie or we're all in the pan, k? Huh huh huh. You know it, my man! Huh! Laters." ...everyone in the restaurant is looking at us. I don't know where to look. Started staring at the candle on the table hoping I'd be struck by lightning. Or he would be. So embarrassed. So the waiter comes and takes our order and he orders the most expensive thing, and I start thinking "Oh what a player, trying to impress me." I feel like ordering lobster but I don't want to break out in a rash to top it all off...so...I just get a salad and think, eat fast, make an excuse, get out fast. Then when the waiter goes he finally starts make conversation, well, if asking random questions like what color my house is and what kind of bottled water I like is conversation. I just gave one word answers. Then he asks what kind of shampoo I use and i said "..." and he says..."You've got split ends." I was just blown away. I said..."Um...okay" and that was it. Not a word till the end of the meal. The waiter brings the tab and he says “You can get that? It's just I've got a deal going and I won't collect till Friday.” Lucky there were no knives left on the table or I'd be in jail now. So the waiter brings my receipt and I get up and start getting my things and he gets up too and says "That was great, I'd really like to do this again...say, next week? And I just looked at him and said "(and I'll leave the punchline to you)

Hope it's okay I messed around with your work.

If your goal is to create a monologue that will show your acting skills - this does not, in my opinion. It's a long, one dimensional run-on thought that doesn't allow much creativity for an actor. The language is stereotypical "Valley Girl", which diminishes the chance to deliver the speech any other way. It would be difficult to perform it as anyone other than an unsophisticated, silly young girl. However, if you ARE writing a monologue to reflect that character, it's terrific.

The idea is much better without bringing up the mother (like the other one you wrote). I agree with the first answerer. With those few little changes it adds a little bit better spice to it. I've wrote many monolouges, so you might want to reread it yourself, because you will be surpirsed how much of a critic yourself can be. For some one who isn't an actor I believe this would be just fine.