Question Home

Position:Home>Poetry> Poetry looking for third party opinions!?

Question: Poetry looking for third party opinions!!?
Ship Has Sailed

Do me the favor, of telling my friends
I've come to a stop and met my end
I went through life, you can say I failed
My last chance is gone, the ship has sailed

I blew it all, I lost everything I had
Looking back, I can't blame my dad
I didn't accept the truth like a real man
I walked to the edge, it's where I now stand

I'll pull the trigger don't try to pull me back
What it all comes down to is, facing the facts
I don't belong, I can't keep trying to fit in
Life is a game that I wasn't meant to win

God never had a plan, to make me unique
My suicidal thoughts are at their highest peak
The pistol blows and smoke fills the air
Killing myself is a burden that not only I bare

I'm lying on the floor, not moving at all
Blood flows out, now who's standing tall!?
Not me, I can finally admit it to be true
It's my own fault, because I can't blame you

You want to know how my story ends
What the point is, what message it sends
There's nothing left to read, yet you want more
There are no poems left, cause I'm dead on the floor

My past is like a shadow, it reflects who I am
The fact of it all is, I actually gave a damn
I can't believe I lost it, when I wanted to hold on
I tried to recreate it, I couldn't admit that it was gone

We all have our hardships, that may be true
But the difference between me and you
Is, I wrote a book about moving forward,
It's about time I take my own advice!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
whoa hold up!. it's good and all but you've GOT to write a different ending!. it breaks the pattern in an awkward way and just doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem at all!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Needs to be chopped, many lines are different syllables and throw off the flow

also the end completely doesn't go with the rest of the piece and they rhythm scheme is thrown offWww@QuestionHome@Com