Position:Home>Poetry> I invite useful feedback for this poem?
I invite useful feedback for this poem!?
I cannot write a poem
while sitting on this wallet -
no license in its leaves
If only the weight
pinning shut its catcall streetmouth
would silence its burden of tongues -
insistences of identity; banners of won worth
hungry echoes of consumption
soak into buttock, bloodstream, belief
about the day beyond the day,
the day I'm trying to have!.
What of diesel in airways, what
of fall insect songs
softly scraping away all
I once knew, silver linings,
What of the alien sun
mixing up its project's palette,
fading clothes, tanning hides until
we come out in a uniform wash,
our hangups flushed
our cotton clean
I can't pen any of that
upon a page blazing my unfamiliar eyes shut,
ink blotting oblivion everywhere!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
there is some excellent imagery at work here
first of all though, some elements which i think weaken the piece by being overused, contrived or banal
'burden of tongues'
actually the whole section 'fading clothes - cotton clean' is a bit ordinary
poetry which is trying to make a point is more palatable if the message has to be uncovered by the reader, rather than the reader being clubbed, however gently, with it
bits i really like 'what of fall insect songs softly scraping away all i once knew'
and the last three lines - very powerful
worth refining - you clearly have the abilityWww@QuestionHome@Com