Question Home

Position:Home>Poetry> How can I improve this little rhyme?

Question: How can I improve this little rhyme!?
Inspired by the poets who love space travel:

Reaching For A Star
by Elaine P

If you want to reach a star,
If you long to travel far,
You can't go by train or boat,
Through the heavens they can't float!.

Only through imagination
May we leave Earth's lonely station
Take a poem, take a song,
Let me see that you belong!.

When I read you, I will know
You've let your skill and talent grow,
Come, I'll take you by the hand,
Together we will leave this land!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Dear Elaine,

A nice little plug we have here, but you know very well that unless you have a GPS in the other hand you will finish up on Mars!. Nice little ditty though!.


Hello Elaine,

I enjoy how the stanzas and syllables are all balanced -- it makes for good flow!. also, I love themes about stars and whatnot!. However, the subject matter seems a little cliched!. Everyone writes about the moon and the stars and the heavens!. It could be interesting, however, if you approached it from a unique angle!.

But it seems like the intent of the poem is just to be a cute little rhyme, and that's fine too!. The message is good -- encouraging imagination and learning and reading!.

In some spots, it seems like you're making the line awkward just to make the rhyme!. Like, "through the heavens they can't float!." Similarly, "let me see that you belong" doesn't seem to be a logical line to follow "take a poem, take a song!." It feels like you just threw it in because it rhymed with little regard for the meaning of the poem!.

But it ends on a high note!. Positive and fun!. I say keep going!. Good luck!

also, if you're looking for a poem to rate, I've recently posted one too -- yahoo won't let me include the link, but it's posted under satellitecastles!. thanks!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

as mr!. t!.d white sayed!.
a tinny tiny note regarding third stanza,, lines 1 and 2 :
line 1, me thinks " you will know" has greater impact on the recipient!.!. its sounds for me more encouraging !.!. our woman doctor always say: come to me,, and you will see how this wound will heal!.
line 2, me do not know mush about meter, but its beat doesn't flow smoothly with the previous line!.how about :
how your skill and talent grow!. [7syl]
little inquiry: if meter means the number of syllables in each stanza then:
s1: 7, 7, 7, 7!.
s2: 8, 8, 7, 7!.
s3: 7, 8, 7, 8!.

me trys to understand and learn more about poetry!. that is all!.

me likes your ditty very much, ms!. elaine!.t!.y!.
p!.s!. me wrote a poem about obama, and ms!. scotkin encouraged me to post it!. me afraid to post it here, because there is a 13 years old man calling himself 'show some respect' will respond badly and call me names, and make me cry!. can me send it to mars!? t!.yWww@QuestionHome@Com

Is this an invitation to Poetry of Mars!?
Where we can write among the stars!.
We missed you here that is no doubt
You added talent and a lot of clout!.
Take my hand, I'll try to be there soon
Is Mars on the other side of the moon!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

Perfect meter!. I know this is hard for you, but you've really captured the firefly in your jar this time!. The story is simple, as it should be with such deliberate rhyme!. I really like this!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Such lightheartedness from a very serious writer is a breath of fresh air!. I love all your work!.!.!.!.
This one shows you can 'let your hair down'!

It sings and flows!Www@QuestionHome@Com

How sweet your treat
to take us by your hand
to distant, far off land
neat, neater and neato!

(how's that for cliched!)

'just' me!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I actually find the rhyme quite good
good work :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

you can put life and death in space of train or boatWww@QuestionHome@Com

For me, stanza two began to pick up the beat and move a bit faster!. Intended!? I enjoyed!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

!.!.!.!.and the poem is