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Position:Home>Poetry> Would anyone mind looking at this poem/commenting?Question: Would anyone mind looking at this poem/commenting!? This is a top of the head first draft !.!.!. I know there's a lot of work to be done but I want to know if it's a good start or if I should just scrap it and start over!.
That crib Sits there cradling dust waiting for a heart beat Gets nothing You there Stare at the crib Wondering where he went Get nothing You created The crib with no baby Your choice Get nothingWww@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I think changing the last line to "got nothing" would give it more of the impact you're looking for!.!.!. and maybe the last line of the second stanza to "getting nothing"!? "having gotten nothing"!? "forgetting nothing"!? [double meaning, I like!] I think it needs a little bit more work, some of your words could be chosen better!. Like "that crib"!.!.!. with just two words, I'd try for a better word than "that"!.!.!. for instance foundling crib sighs there cradling dust asking for a heart beat gets nothing Just using more descriptive words helps maximize what you have to say!. Using foundling, for instance, which is a great word that implies an orphan, a child!. Instead of just sitting (which is passive) the crib is doing something!.!.!. it's sighing!. We sigh when we're sad or we miss someone!. Instead of just waiting (passive, again) it's doing something!.!.!. it's asking for a heart beat!. We know now that it wants to be holding something other than dust!. Do you get where I'm going, here!? We've packed a lot more meaning into these four lines just by using more colorful words!. The reader can now imagine an unused cradle that not only hasn't held a baby in at least a long time (if ever), but really misses/yearns for the chance! It's not easy to use colorful words, and you have to brainstorm sometimes to select the right ones that complement both each other and the meaning of the song!.!.!.!. but it's worth it! I'd like to see you try and experiment with different words for the rest of the poem - try and avoid as much as possible "filler" words like and, but, then, the, etc if other more meaningful words can be used instead!. Good luck! SaulWww@QuestionHome@Com I like what you have so far!. So many ways to go with it as it is!. Hopeless wanting of child or loss of infant or miscarriage!.!.!.this could go anywhere!. You could leave it for the reader to ponder fully or personify the crib more, just don't take away from the person--either leave the person as is or add more emotion--not sure there!. You as the writer need to let it fly and read it and see what you think!. Maybe go in two directions and see which one you like better!. (I recently got advice from a poet friend that as the writer, in the end it is your choice!. Sage advice! People will love your work and people will hate your work!. Don't worry--what do you think about your work!? If you gave it your hearts best, it is worthy of the write!)Www@QuestionHome@Com It lacks cohesion!. You could try working with the same ideas & theme, but try elucidating them a bit more, fleshing them out and then cutting off what doesn't need to be there!. You probably tried to go for something haunting and minimalist with the short lines, but as it stands it just seems choppy and incomplete!. Try to express the ideas more completely and coherently and if it still turns out what you really want to express is best conveyed with these fragments, then well, at least you know that's what you want!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Outstanding! You have given the reader so many possibilities of interpretation, in these lines!.!.!.absolutely great! And, to leave the reader with a BIG question, just delete that last line!.!.!.it's 'telling' way too much!.!.!. Good Morning! No, do not personify the crib!.!.!.leave this poem as is, except for your last line!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I agree with one reader!. Cut the last line!. L3 in S2 is perfect!.!.!. (who is he, where is is, what the H die he do or not do!.!.!.!.!. etc)Www@QuestionHome@Com I like poetry of few words that pack a punch, as this does!. I like Saul's suggestion, of personifying the crib!. You choose!.Www@QuestionHome@Com It only takes a few words to say what I want!. That crib is powerful in itself NO baby is as well It brings visions!.!. sometimes less is MORE!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Doesn't sound to me anything like poetry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com |