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Question: Please criteque my poem!. !?
My school is having a poetry competition and this is the one that I want to enter!. Do you think that it has a chance to win!? I'm thinking of calling it "Deceit" Please let me know what you think!.

I didn't cry when I felt the pain
as i had done before
maybe i am just too weak
for crying anymore
as the dismal rain pours down on me
the old wounds burn anew
i wait to leave my life behind
there's nothing left to do
this will be my last rainfall
i think as i look at the sky
there is no hope i might survive
you left me here to die
your betrayal hurts worse than the knife in my back
the single lie that brought the end
I trusted you just like a fool
i thought you were my friend
i feel the blade stuck in my back
and see my blood spilt on the ground
the rain stops falling suddenly
i die without a soundWww@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
knife in the back is a bit of a cliche

avoid cliches!.

'maybe i am just too weak
for crying anymore'

try
to cry anymore


also isnt the betrayal symbolised by the knife in the back!?
'your betrayal hurts worse than the knife in my back'

this doesnt make sense unless the persona is literally dying as there is a knife in his/her backWww@QuestionHome@Com

It is dark and beautiful but very sad!. I hope you don't really feel that there is no hope!.

The only word I feel could be changed is dismal on the fifth line!. Everything else is perfect!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Beautiful! It flows very well, although it's dark!. But dark emotions are something that a lot of people can relate to, and they need to be addressed!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

You have talent! Keep expressing yourself!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

i know it's really sad!.!. good work!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Well done!. Just one suggestion!.!.!."I" is used several times in your poem!. The poem could flow smoother by removing some of the I's and switching around a few words!. For example!.!.!.!.

i didn't cry when I felt the pain
as i had done before
maybe i am just too weak
for crying anymore

to

not a tear was shed when i felt the pain
unlike the times before
find myself just too weak
to cry anymore

--------------------------------------

i think as i look at the sky
there is no hope i might survive

to

my thoughts race as i look at the sky
very little hope for me to surviveWww@QuestionHome@Com