Position:Home>Poetry> Constructive criticism/Comments on my poem? (10pts for best answer)?
Question: Constructive criticism/Comments on my poem!? (10pts for best answer)!?
I slip you my heart
Under the counter
I bite my lip and look anywhere
Anywhere else
You gently pry it open
with fingers like sweet kisses
Peeling a tropical fruit
As rare as it is delicate
Curiosity is plain across your semblance
Unsuspecting
Unafraid
As you pull away the last veil
A small child
Bruised and bleeding
Curls in the fetal position
Quivering with soundless sobs
Within clenched fists
Each finger trembles
A leaf in a storm
A storm
Hidden behind my eyes
I finally raise my face
To watch you stare
My agony mirrored on your features
You reach out to me
With quivering hands
You scrunch the bloody petals between your fingers
And blow the pieces to the wind
I smile and your had catches mine
Staining it red
The lone reminder of winter
No destructive criticism please!. I am here to learn, not be insulted thank you!. If you don't like it thats fine!. I still appriciate you taking the time to read it and maybe helping me!.!.!. :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I think this piece, and you as a writer, have potential; I liked a lot of the delicate phrasing and evocative images, and thought it was sustained by gentle, persistent rhythm throughout!. Overall, however, I found it a little overwrought!. Here's a few points you might want to consider for further draft:
- Overall the piece is rather overwritten!. Several of the lines, and occasionally the choice of words - e!.g Curiosity is plain across your semblance!? - makes it emotionally over dramatic!. Some parts, most obviously the last verse, come over like a old silent screen actor "conveying" emotion to the audience when a subtle expression is all that is needed in close-up!. It's a cliche, I know, but less really is more, especially in poetry and most particularly in love poems!.
- It goes on a little long without adding to the dramatic tension; I would suggest cutting it down!.
How to cut it down!? Well, I can only say I believe poetry is about paring language down to its essentials - all extraneous words and images should go!. Poetry, I believe, is about trying to distil the essence of a moment or an experience!. I think it's in there with this one - you just need to clear out all the stuff obscuring it!.
Finally, the respondent who suggested you won't look back on this in 15 years without cringing doesn't understand writing!. Seven years ago I had my first novel published and I am pleased to say it sold reasonably well and got some very good reviews!. I am now working with an editor to finish off my second novel and she asked for a copy of my first to read over!. I re-read it myself for the first time since its publication and, guess what - I cringed!. It's an essential part of the process and, however imperfect it may be to the future you, so long as you've been true to yourself at the time then it's worth doing!.
Good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I personally really like it!.!.!.except for the 'fingers like sweet kisses' line!. That's just a pet hate of mine- not to be rude but i think this is somewhat unoriginal and contrasts to the rest of the piece!. You have a unique way of expressing something common to a lot of people- i think maybe you could find a better simile here-not one as overused as this :) good work though I really liked it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I usually only skim-read the love poems in this section because they are so corny and cliche, but I really loved yours!.
The first three stanzas were great!. After that I got a bit confused - the subject seemed to change all of a sudden!. Oops, don't worry, I read over it again!. It makes sense now, and I absolutely adore it!.
Your poem would be great as lyrics, if you could find a friend who composes music!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
it's a tad too precious for me; too pretentious; too glib; too cutesy lewd
this would be fine if you were Wayne Newton trying to seduce some 40 year old washed up whatever but you should save this and read it again in 15 years and see if you can do it without CRINGING!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I got a little lost there to be honest, but the rhythm is natural and flowing!. I had an idea of what the topic was at first then it kinda veered to left center!. Rereading helps, very visual- all around good work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
it's really good!!!
a bit confusing in some parts!.!.!.but i can tell it's something that means a lot to you, even if i may not understand it!.!.!.
kind of like the feeling i get when i'm reading Edgar Allen Poe sometimes!.!.!.!.lol!.
can you please help me out!?
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.
be as honest as you possibly can be!.!.!.
thanks!Www@QuestionHome@Com