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Question: What do you think of my poem!? Rate 1-10!!?
If I’m Alice in Wonderland, will you be my way home!?
Lying on the floor, looking around
Waiting for a sign, maybe a sound!?
When will this longing end!?
When can I call you my friend!?
When you left on that winter night
Being alone, in the dark, with no sign of light
I don’t know where to go from here
But I really hope the end is near
My emotions are left unspoken
My mouth is dry
My heart is vacant
And I’m sorry buy
Baby, I can’t do this anymore
Every now and then
You come around again
Telling me that you need me
Together, we should be
And every time you crawl back
I believe you; I believe you need it like I do
But oh no, not this time
I’ve been cheated, I’ve been put down
I’ve been cursed and I’ve been forgotten
And baby, I’m better than this
You were my drug, my addiction
But baby I’m kickin’ you like a bad habit
Because I’m tired of this ****
And I won’t stand it anymore
These tears I cried weren’t worth it
The rain’s coming down
And baby, hold on tight
Because it feels like hell’s breaking loose
So you better close your eyes
Fall to you knees and pray
Because he’s watching you
Waiting and hoping you come around
So the next time the sun shines, I’ll be home again, because this Alice isn’t lost in Wonderland!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I thought it was amazing during the beginning, but near the end, you had lost your rhyming and your syllable count!. Here are some suggestions!.
Lying on the floor, looking around
Waiting for a sign, maybe a sound!?
When will this longing end!?
When can I call you 'friend'!?
When you left on that winter night
Being alone, with no sign of light
I don’t know where to go from here
But I really hope the end is near (Love that line!)
My emotions are left unsaid
My heart feels as if it were dead
You used to make me feel like I could soar
But, baby I can’t do this anymore
But every now and then
You came around again
Telling me that you need me
Together, we should be
And every time you came crawling back
I believed you, I was under your tack
I wanted us to be together so bad
My judgement was clouded with all we had
But oh no, not gonna happen this time
I've been cheated, it's time to draw the line
I’ve been cursed, I’ve been forgotten
And baby, your treating me rotten
You were my addiction, you were my drug
But now I 've learned you're just a thug
I'm tired of your treating me like this
Then coming back like nothing was a miss
These tears I cried weren’t worth the fall
I wish I had never known you at all
Oh, and baby, you had better start to run
'Cause rain clouds are swarming over the sun
You better close your eyes
Repent for all your lies
But I'm not taking you back
You're not jogging my track
'Cause the next time the sun shines,
The next time I face your crimes
I won't be lost, no not grabbing your hand
'Cause this Alice isn’t lost in Wonderland!.
I hope you like them!Www@QuestionHome@Com
You start out with a blaring rhyme scheme, one that pounds out the lines!. Then you drop the scheme, the footing, and all other traditional poetic devices!.
At first I thought to criticize your format quite negatively!. But I stopped and read it again!. You start in Wonderland, and you find your way out to the cold cruel world!.
It can use a little work towards the end, because it falls too much out of the poetic style for me!. Maybe make the transition a little more gradual, keep the metaphor alive through the end!.
I like it!. It's a good start!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
this should be made in to a song !!! and i am serious here
its exelent!.!.!.!.10/10Www@QuestionHome@Com
Oh my gosh it's really good!.
The one thing that I love about it, is it makes you sad!. It's not like I enjoy being sad, but if there's any writing that can change people's emotions, it's good!. And, I've been through this before!. So anyways, good job :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
9!.2/10Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it !! I am a HUGE poetry fan ! Your poem is very emotional and has a great rhythm to it ! Not as good as Edgar Allan Poe by still , great poem I give it a 9!.9 !!Www@QuestionHome@Com