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Question: Poem I wrote on a whim!? Please read!?
It's called Hope!.
When we first met it was when we were five
We went to camp and jumped off the high dive
Together we played all through that summer
Then in 1st grade you became a drummer
I longed to join the orchestra too
Just so I could be with you
We remained faithful friends
Helping each other through odds and ends
But then in third grade I moved away
We kept in touch each and every day
I moved back to my old school in sixth grade
And I felt extremely betrayed
For you would never talk to me the whole while
Nothing, just nothing, not a sign, not a smile
Then in seventh grade the mitzvahs started
But when we danced it seemed our friendship had departed
Then you played a trick on me
So on this you and I both agree
Whatever fragile relationship we had before
Had disappeared forever, no more
Since you learned of my feelings to you
You’d think that I would get a clue
But I don’t, no, of course
And my inequitable crush still goes with full force
After all that we’ve been through down this steep slope
Call me crazy, but I still have some hope
Thoughts!? Anything is appreciated!.!. it isn't my best work!. :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
That is awesome and if it's true I'm sorry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Three lines!. That's all I liked!. And they weren't together!. If this is a true story, and you want to portray the emotions of the events and moments in a poem, you have to find a way to write with the emotion of the story you are telling!. Your poem was written with "what rhymes next"!. Sorry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Great job! Most people aren't able to rhyme without it sounding cheesy, but you pulled it off!. Congratulations! If this isn't some of your best work, I bet your best work is amazing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
this is a fantastic poem i liked itWww@QuestionHome@Com
You need to break up the rhyme scheme!. AABB gets a bit tiring after more than about 4 repetitions!.
If you are going to establish a metre, you need to stick to it, or at least change it for a reason!. By this I am talking about the rhythm of the lines!.
For example you start in iambic pentameter, but then lose it!.
I'd break it down into smaller verses!. Each verse should have some consistency in the emotion/theme and there should be movement from one to the next!.
p!.s!. The above are just suggestions on how you can improve your poem (and your poetry)!. Please know, I wouldn't have bothered if I didn't think you had real potential!.Www@QuestionHome@Com