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Question: How do you guys think of this poem!? and how to make it better!?
Green Island Serenade
这绿岛像一只船 Like a boat,oh,this green island
在月夜里摇呀摇 In the moonlight, you sway ,sway and sway
情郎哟你也在我的心坎里飘呀飘 By my heart, oh,my beau, you linge ,take no leave
让我的歌声随那微风 Oh,you wind,please take my singging
吹开了你的窗帘 Parts his curtain
让我的衷情随那流水 Oh, you floating water, please brings my love
不断的向你倾诉 pours into his heart
椰子树的长影 Palm tree throws a long shadow
掩不住我的情意 But it can't block me
明媚的月光更照亮了我的心 Bright moonlight lit up my heart
这绿岛的夜已经这样沉静 Oh, silent is the evening of green island
情郎哟你为什么还是默默无语 Oh,my beau,why you are still silent and quiet Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
well!.!.!.I tend to appreciate poems where some is left for the imagination!.!.!.so I wouldn't change your poem to make it simpler!. I enjoyed the first five lines but felt the sixth line lost some umff!. Maybe because you switch from third person narrative to first person!. I might change that unless you are purposely experimenting!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

You need to use different words to give more clarity and your lines, in a more orderly, manner of speaking!. I got an idea, of what you are trying to say!. Writing a poem, is like writing a letter!. You must have it written to be easily understood!. Www@QuestionHome@Com