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Question: I need a perspective on the poem I wrote!?
I just wrote this and I know it needs a lot of revising, but how does it sound so far!?

Weeds of Jimson grow!.
As temptations unhinge,
to gluttons un bestowed!.
Mires generate by binge!.

Goats will innately scoff,
in deific fields of lapse!.
Nature brewed a broth,
to end a steer’s grasp!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I'd like to say more about this poem, but I just don't have the time!. Still, I can say that I respect the poet and look forward to future productions and the final version of this one!.

This is absolutely fascinating so far!. I just wish you'd paid better attention to punctuation!. For instance, since lines 2 and 3 are a fragment, I'm left wondering if you truly intended line 2 to be part of the sentence of line 1!.!.!. And, even though many do it, adding commas at ends of lines just because they're ends of lines (e!.g!., lines 5 and 7) makes no sense for the rhythm, the reader, and therefore for the life of the poem!. The commas make the poem appear amateurish despite its obvious sophistication!. They will make many readers doubt whether there is really anything to the poem even though it easily contains an interest on first reading!.

This is what I've been able to gather:

The jimson weed, hallucinogen and poison, has sprung up in an area subjected to ecological catastrophe because of human gluttony and unhinged temptation!. The "mires" could be landfills or worse, but "generate" is one of those interesting words that is biological, energy-related (electrical generation), but also clinical!.

The goats apparently "innately" scoff at the landfill because they'll eat anything!. The use of "lapse" is intriguing!. Not only can it refer to "lapse" of judgment or the lapse of the man-made back to the natural because Nature will ultimately take back civilization if civilization isn't lived consciously to be sustainable (and there, again, is a "lapse" into unconsciousness)!. There's also the contrast between the "deific" fields and the Fall, the lapsed state of humanity because Adam & Eve didn't follow the rules in the paradisiacal Garden!. And, of course, the goat is so often an incarnation/symbol of Satan, thus linking the goat and the "lapse" even more with the Biblical story!.

I like how "a steer" can be cattle, in contrast to goats, but also a steerING, like the hands on a steering wheel that lose their grip!. The latter meaning of "steer" of course refers to humanity!. also, in the suggested linking of "goat" and "steer," the steer is a bull made sterile!.

One thing that confuses me a bit is the tenses!. I'm willing (ha ha) to accept the shift from present to future in lines 5 and 6, but I'm still not sure I understand why the last two lines are in the past, even though they can be sort of curiously read as an observation from the future that the stanza has shifted to!. Still, I think that's quite a stretch!.!.!.!. But, if that's the interpretation you'd intended, you may just want to keep it that way!.

I'm still intrigued by the jimson weed, too!. As a hallucinogen, it could be somehow acting to cause a vision for the voice of the narrator!. The "temptation" could partly be to take the weed!. But, of course, the hallucinogen could be part and parcel of the hallucination of civilization, its gluttony and the products of that gluttony, the contamination of Nature and the ultimate downfall of itself!.

And, of course, the sound of the poem is astonishingly good!. Even with some of the strange syntax, it pretty much works!.Www@QuestionHome@Com