Position:Home>Poetry> "The Crack" revised version. Could you please comment?
Question: "The Crack" revised version!. Could you please comment!?
The crack was centered vertically on
My window!. I looked out to the Right
Side of the long break to the windy
World, my eys fixed upon the site
Of wheat fields that swayed
To the music of winds, like the beauty
Of ocean waves so far away, and
As the same as the sea, the small
Creatures would rise and fall back down
To their haven of wheat so tall!.
I peered through the Left side of the crack
at the darkening sky!. Soon nocturnal
Eyes seeking a feast would begin to speak
A high pitched noise; a beast of myth
Causing fright among men, and more
Frightening was the imagination of the unheard
Communication; their own language; their own
Hopes of the hunt and the kill!. I prayed for the
Dawn for my fear kept me from my slumber!.
As our star rose the vicious beasts vanished!.
They disappeared as if the light would
Bring them certain death!. I thanked the
Creator of all things living for the rising sun,
And in answer through that vertical break on
My window glass the light spread as Heavenly
Rays, in another unheard voice of peace
That sparkled and shined!. I was thankful
For the saving of my soul for the light truly
Is pure life, and I treasured each day in humility
And continued to fear the night in futility!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Wonderful reading experience!! It takes me back home -- out of the city where I live now to the country where I spent my first 30 years!. The wind's music in the wheat fields, the little creatures swaying on the stalks, all brings a feeling of contentment!. Then, the nocturnal eyes and sounds brings back the thrill of nature at night -- I'm reading the Twilight series right now, so my mind is prepped to take your reference to the mythical beast and add to the thrill! Then the relief the rising sun brings !.!.!. ahhhhh !.!.!. Great!!
Two places to revise: Where you say "frightening was the imagination of !.!.!. make it "frightening were my imaginings of !.!.!."
In the last stanza, make your introduction of "our star" more obvious -- albeit with your talent at figurative language! -- I didn't realize it was the sun until the 4th line!.
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The sounds outside my window of the trees in the harsh wind, collectively with the shadows thrown on my wall, sent me diving under the covers, head and all so they could not see me and sweep me away!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Said with the voice of Al Purdy it may do Edgar Allan Poe like work, like the raven but a crack!. Your punctuation, for metered rhythmical reading and spelling, tidy please
http://en!.wikipedia!.org/wiki/Al_Purdy
At Evergreen Cemetery
The still grey face and withered body:
without resistance winter enters in,
as if she were a stone or fallen tree,
her temperature the same as the landscape's -
How she would have complained about that,
the indignity of finally being without heat,
an insult from the particular god she believed in,
and worse than the fall that killed her -
Now a thought flies into the cemetery
from Vancouver, another from Edmonton,
- and fade in the January day like fireflies!.
I suppose relatives are a little slower
getting the evening meal because of that -
perhaps late for next day's appointments,
the tight schedule of seconds overturned,
everything set a little back or ahead,
the junctures of time moving and still:
settling finally into a new pattern,
by which lovers, hurrying towards each other
on streetcorners, do not fail to meet -
Myself, having the sense of something going
on without my knowledge, changes taking place
that I should be concerned with,
sit motionless in the black car behind the hearse,
waiting to re-enter a different world!.
http://www!.library!.utoronto!.ca/canpoetry!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com