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Question: Is it ok if I bother you again with this!?
It is a revision of the previous one, a slight revision!. I was writing this, using the weighted swamp and oppressive air as metaphors for domestic abuse, and I was wondering if that feeling comes across in this poem, with the various similes!. If I hadn't mentioned it, do you think you would have picked up on it!? I need to know as I will be continuing to work with this and revise it!. Thanks!.
Dismal Swamps
Nothing seems to live here!.
There are of course the reeds,
the tender reeds
we always speak of
that might be content in the stagnant water
until feet come along,
or the plump of a rock,
to remind them of life;
until they're trampled upon
by boot, or the sweep of a storm,
and lilli pads coast away
picking up speed where waters flush,
and tadpoles leap from invading hands
or west-coast winds,
any movement must be a storm to them!.
It might be a lesson to find that such
things still grow
from the weight of these invisible depths,
where the host of life-sustaining stems
buckle down in the heavy fist of air,
and stillness is like an animal paused in fear!.
We know fertility keeps her secrets here,
filtering the seeping sludge like a motherly filament
and fostering every blown seed and particle
as she absorbs the drenched abandoned inlets, where homeless seeds fall; her willful greenery shooting through the depths in such abundance, the waters have almost diappeared!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I count just two similes -- "stillness is like an animal" and fertility is "like a motherly filament" (that second one doesn't have a clear meaning)!. I count one metaphor -- "the heavy fist of air!." I don't see anything that might alert the reader to understand that the tender reeds represent victims of domestic violence or that the trampling boot, invading hands, and heavy fist represent a domestic abuser!.
The more poetry you read, the more you'll learn about the strategies good poets use to communicate their meaning!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
As free form, the line breaks are very important, and I think you could drive yourself mad trying to figure out where to make them!.
In L2, I tripped up a bit with the wording!.
The metaphor seems too much, too overwhelming!.
Maybe set the scene elsewhere and use the swap, etc!., as an ending metaphor!.
I liked what I read, and you are right to persevere and finish off this poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
As when I first read it I believe that I compared it to being in a relationship that pulls you down!. negativity and such!.!.
yet you continue to burn brightly to compensate and over come
If you do not keep on it you will be come a part sludge in the depths!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com
I find it good myself!. Talking about life that has been trampled on!.!.Life will grow again!. I just got lost in those words!.!. but i find them really good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Is it ok!? Even the wording of your question speaks of abuse!. Intentionally or not, I know not which!. "Heavy fist of air" "animal paused in fear" "trampled upon
by boot" Yes, I would think of domestic violence even without the forewarning!. But I have been there, so it rings to me!. As Mag says, you are right to continue this!. I look forward to the finished poem!. Www@QuestionHome@Com