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Question: Criticism wanted!.!.!. Ideas, thoughts, comments!.!.!?
Hi im starting to make poems and im wondering which you like better and why!.!. And even if you like it!. And maybe some endings because none of these are finished!.

#1
You walk around with envy and hate,
you don't seem to appreciate, the world around, and that bubble you're in!.!. Right around the corner a valley of sin!.

You ignore the overlook, walk right in,
trapped like others, yeah now you're trapped too!.
The more that come, the more that die,
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#2
Watching through the window,
waiting for the widow,
one who's lost what she loves, lost her touch,
why does she care so much, for some1 who is so far!?
heartfelt like a dove, all for the one she loves,
but he'll never be there so why does she still care!?
so detached, so incompleteWww@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I agree with Thomas Graves!. He makes a few good points!. Here are a few more!. The first poem lacks definition!. There is no clear point!. A piece of poetry must either paint a picture for the reader or give them a real flash of emotion!. You first piece does neither, however if you work at it you may be able to change that!.
The second is a good beginning but is too unfinished!. You started out so strong in the first three lines and I was expecting a story of a widow who has lost and can't forget or move on fully!. Then you toss in a question as if I might have the answer!. How can I when you haven't told the story yet!? Work on that one!. Far too many people on this site complain about the length of the poems they read!. (They shouldn't bother commenting at all!.) But you must tell the story and if it requires time and space to do so then take the appropriate amount of both and give us your story!.
You have a start here, so work at it!. Good luck to you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

The firs tone I did not like very much, the second however is very nice, The first simply seems too dark while sometimes also going into a very personal style, and the corner valley of sin makes little or no sense to me, the second however has a very pleasant style, though I would say that the third line up (the one that starts with, heartfelt like a dove) breaks the pattern and should be revised, wonderful writing the first is just not my style however, and the second could be truly amazing with some polishing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com