Position:Home>Poetry> How do you like my poem ? any suggestions?
Question: How do you like my poem !? any suggestions!?
Hey, i just walked by this beautiful girl i haven't seen in a long time!. Our eyes connected for those brief seconds we walked by and heres what i have to say!.
Time is not a factor to what has already been done
Touched by those eyes deep into your soul
Can't undone for what she has won
Glossed over in her presence like a 6 year old
What is love I ask
Is it in these mere seconds which play with me
Changes me, mercilessly, driving me slowly, insane
She possesses a dangerous weapons
Making it so i can't breathe, but not pain
More or so like heaven
Breaking the laws of physics
With her, traveling faster then the speed of light
Yet moving slower then time, could this be it
Few seconds, a century, heart stopped
Glazed over her beautiful eyes, those dangerous eyes
A fighter can fight, I am a fighter, with her fought
Fighting a losing battle
His kryptonite
My kryptonite
Lost with her
Tonight
Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I really like it! If I were you, I'd give this to that girl if you ever see her again!. And if I were her, I'd never forget this!. One thing that you might want to consider changing is "His kryptonite/ My kryptonite"!.!.!. it just sounds a bit repetitive and would make more of an impact with just one of those lines instead of both!. Keep the "My" one though!. Its just a suggestion!. But good job :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow!.!.!. You're really into her!. I like e way u described her eyes and how u fought e ''battle'', i can imagine!.
I like it!. Good job =)
but u make her sound like someone haughty, proud!. like she's too good for you or something like that!. why!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
dude this chick has totally taken control of ur head!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.wat u wrote is totally out of that magical moment!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.it;s not very usual things these days!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.i guess u should ask her out!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.maybe on your first date u shud read her this poem!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.i mean u cant just sit around!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.do something dude!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Incredible word choice!. Amazing flow!. The poem itself is a wonderful representation of your feelings for this girl!. I myself enjoy writing poetry and this is inspiring!. Great work!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
A few suggested touch-ups:
Time is not a factor to what has already been done,
Touched by those eyes I go deep into your soul!.
It can't be undone, what you have won,
I'm glossed over in your presence, feeling like a 6 year old!.
What is love!? I ask,
Is it in these mere seconds which play with me;
Change me, mercilessly, driving me slowly, insane!?
You possess dangerous weapons,
Making it so that I can't breathe, but not in pain,
More or so like the shock of heaven!.
Breaking the laws of physics
With you, I can travel faster then the speed of light!
Yet moving slower than Time, could this be it!?
A few seconds, a century, a heart stopped!.
Glazed over by your beautiful eyes, those dangerous eyes!
A fighter can fight, I am a fighter, with you I fought!.
Fighting a losing battle,
You as a power like kryptonite,
Bathed me in rays of kryptonite!.
Lost with you
I am tonight!.
Whatever the adjustments, they are all yours!.
I changed all the 'she' to 'you' as this poem should be given to her and not be left as a lament from afar that was never brought to her attention!. Be direct and so get the love you deserve!. You can only lose a possibility, try and turn your possibility into reality!. If you are possessed then possess!. Is she not worth trying for!?
A great sincere and passionate work!. DEATH ANGEL is right in advising you to do something, don't just write about life and passion, plan, and go out of your way to meet her!. Be bold, let her know how you feel, make the poem real!. Life is short, you can only get rejected (maybe her loss)!. Are you a lover, or just some ink on a parchment folded away in a box, getting older and staler day by day!? Seize the day!. Seize her: but gently of course!. Meet her, give her your poem!. Even if nothing eventuates, it would still be a nice thing to do!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com