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Position:Home>Poetry> Song/Poem/Incoherent rambling for a girl!?Question: Song/Poem/Incoherent rambling for a girl!!? A result of the cocktail of emotions secreted by your brain when you're in love( which also happens to be the same as someone with OCD) !.!.!.!. and i know this isnt really a question!.!.!. please dont flag me! i wanted to give to her!.!. but she doesn't speak english very well!.!. its a song/ poem!.!.!. lol!.!. (iv got a vague melody in mind)!.!. but i do want to give it to her!.!.its too wordy to sing!. just wanted to know if its alright!? The waiting game So, I wanted to tell you that I wrote a song about you, But Im not quite sure how the words go I figured I could start with some cheesy stuff about your eyes But damn… those eyes Hypnoooootic But anyway… I wanted to tell you that I wrote a song about you But the floor gave away And I fell through to my self-piteous ‘abyss’ But really though!.!. I mean I could talk about tremulous roses, daffodils and all of that junk But you were something else Like that night we danced Drunk on the fervour of life: JD and coke And you leaned in and kissed me on the cheek Dammit And anyways, about that song I wrote about you, It might only be words, like words are all I have to take your heart away But honestly the Bee gees weren’t thaaaat good You’re violet hue bordered with black And those eyes DAMN!…!. Those eyes Really though… about that song I wrote, I couldn’t get it to rhyme, so I figured I’d try being one of those pretentious pricks that writes a whole lotta bullshit and says ‘My poems don’t have to rhyme’ And compare you to some random summers day But seriously!.!. you’re more like the winter I mean yknw the winter ya get in the middle of October when it starts snowing in coventry It would be pretty embarrassing to admit My heart skips 2 beats and a half when you smile at me But I persist to wallow in my self pity also why I don’t turn up on weekdays So about that song I wrote about you, I m no bob Dylan, or Morrison And the song wasn’t really a song after all I mean I could probably try putting this through google translate into Spanish but its just me rambling I’m crazy about you And if the only way I can say this is through some pseudo-poem Well I’m drunk so hopefully I wont remember it tomorrow Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Did you notice that this is basically about you, and only peripherally about her!? Look at how much time you spend talking about yourself (your writing process, mostly) vs!. talking about her!. Plus, in the parts of it that are about her, you're mostly incoherent ("DAMN!!.!.!. Those eyes"), although the bit about her being like winter was nice!. This is not to say that it's bad for what it is, but it just seems very centered on you; it's not even in her first language!. Surely you know someone who speaks Spanish who could help you translate it, at least!. !.!.!. Quería escribirte una cancíon, Pero resultó que me faltan las palabras!. Pensó en cantar de tus ojos, aquellos ojos lindos Pero tan hermosos son que no pudo describirlos!. Quería cantarte una canción de nosotros, Del noche que bailamos, de whiskey y coke, De que me besó la mejilla y vio rosas Pero no soy poeta!. Y por eso no te compararé a algún día de verano Ni una flor, ni el mar!. Esos no son mís palabras, Y en cualquier caso me pareces más como el invierno, Como la nieve sobre las hojas rojas en octubre!. Esto no es la canción que te quise escribir, Mas espero que es bastante que sepas Que me encantas!.Www@QuestionHome@Com As a poet and a woman, I'm pretty offended, but that's not what you asked for!. Give it to her in a card or something!. It is what it is!.Www@QuestionHome@Com |