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Question: What do you thik of this poem!? if you can help me with a title, thatd be great!!?
i think i need a little help, before im totally happy with it!.
tell me what you think:

Burning bright
always gently eased
if i try, i may just might
finally content myslef, pleased

If her smile was to manifest,
a passionate fire
but this is just my request,
her, my only desire

A calming blue
a cooling sensation, so kind
her eyes speak true,
so why do i seem so blind!?

What are my chances, a pensive cry
but what else can i do, with only one try!?
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
take out the "may" in the first stanza!.
also, in the third stanza, maybe a better alternative for the last line would be "so why do mine seem so blind!?"
if her eyes speak true, you would be comparing your eyes to hers, not you to her eyes!. if that makes sense!.

i'd call it "only one try"Www@QuestionHome@Com

First, this is not a shakespearean sonnet in the truest sense because it isnt written in Iambic pentameter, heres an example of one of mine:

A Hundred This Thrifty

O, pennies, pennies, O, pocket plenty,
In my cotton pocket, I’ll honor them!.
Pretty soon I’d pocketed so many,
That they burst and spilled from my pockets hem!.

Undaunted, I promptly made reach for each,
Accrued that copper in my other niche!.
But in that one too, did the pennies breach,
And spew to earth from the unmended stitch!.

I clenched them in fist, to the corner store!.
A mile off yonder, ’round the bend!.
I climbed up the steps and struggle with the door,
Strolled up to the storekeep, and said while grinned,

“What you got for a hundred this thrifty!?”
“Nil,” he said, “For even gum’s two-fifty!.”

Its still good though and refreshing to see people still writing them!. Title it "My Only Desire" or off the punch lines "With Only One Try"!.
Keep writing this poem is good but it has pacing and rhythm problems!. Can you hum this poem!? Make it so you can and research iambic pentameter, I was fourteen when I wrote this above!. Im older now but I still like it!. Keep writing and keep rhyming so many nowadays dont rhyme, we could use a few keep it up!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Nice attempt at a Shakespearian Sonnet!.

In Stanza 1, Line 3 I would get rid of the word "may"!.

Why not call it "A Pensive Cry"!.


Paul Www@QuestionHome@Com