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Position:Home>Poetry> First draft of poem... critique please?Question: First draft of poem!.!.!. critique please!? It all started with that well known look That reminds me of the cover of my erotic book With your shirt buttoned slightly down And that breath-taking, slight, upward frown Your eyes dancing in the firelights shadow You are sure of what I’m thinking, that, I surely know Your hand brushes lightly, down my face Oh God, I love your steady pace You slowly, carefully, take my clothes off me Gently pushing me back so, all, you can see I can feel how much of me you really need Stuff like this you most definitely cannot read Magic is pouring from your each of your fingers Every touch you give slowly, slowly lingers You thrust yourself deep within my core I’m in heaven, oh yes, of that I’m sure Our movements are slow, an intricate dance I’m so glad that, on you, I took this chance No one else can make me feel this complete Can make me feel all this love, all this heat This moment, this time, this delicate show, Ends, for now with the final, “big O”!. Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Very graphic,very hot!.I like it!Www@QuestionHome@Com lmao ok that was good i liked the ending the part that goes Stuff like this you most definitely cannot read could be a little smoother, i had to read over it a couple times!. great poem thoWww@QuestionHome@Com change this: Magic is pouring from your each of your fingers into this: Magic is pouring from each of your fingersWww@QuestionHome@Com The piece is an on-going sentence!. There is no break!. Sometimes the use of Punctuations can enhance a piece and sometimes it does not!. When you write with no end, it slows the reader down and stops them!. A nicely writen piece but needs a lot of work!. Look at the structure of your words and use the punctuations to enhance the piece!. Take a breath and continue!. This is what my computer generated spell checker suggests: "It all started with that well known look that reminds me of the cover of my erotic book with your shirt buttoned slightly down and that breath-taking, slight, upward frown your eyes dancing in the firelights shadow you are sure of what I’m thinking, that, I surely know your hand brushes lightly, down my face Oh God, I love your steady pace You slowly, carefully, take my clothes off me Gently pushing me back so, all, you can see I can feel how much of me you really need Your sentence may be too long to be effective and may be hard to follow!. For clarity and conciseness, consider rewording your sentence or splitting it into two sentences!. Stuff like this you most definitely cannot read Magic is pouring from your each of your fingers every touch you give slowly, slowly lingers Your sentence may be too long to be effective and may be hard to follow!. For clarity and conciseness, consider rewording your sentence or splitting it into two sentences!. You thrust yourself deep within my core I’m in heaven, oh yes, of that I’m sure Our movements are slow, an intricate dance I’m so glad that, on you, I took this chance Your sentence may be too long to be effective and may be hard to follow!. For clarity and conciseness, consider rewording your sentence or splitting it into two sentences!. No one else can make me feel this complete Can make me feel all this love, all this heat This moment, this time, this delicate show, Ends, for now with the final, “big O”!. Your sentence may be too long to be effective and may be hard to follow!. For clarity and conciseness, consider rewording your sentence or splitting it into two sentences!." Recite it as you wrote it!. when do you do stop to take a breath!? Sam Www@QuestionHome@Com |