What is your opinion on this start of a poem?

Question: What is your opinion on this start of a poem!?

Or should I leave it as is!? Feedback appreciated!.!.!.

Untitled
by: Sher

Leaves are falling one by one,
onto frost-tipped grassy strands!.
Soldiers are falling two by two,
onto foreign desert lands!.
Leaves renew at winter's end,
fresh beauty for the eye,
but loved ones lost before war's end,
felt only in spring's sigh!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Change "soldiers" for "troops", or lose "are" to keep the meter!.

Winter's end and war's end!.!.!. hmmm !.!.!.!.!.

Leaves renew on winter's rest!.!.!.
but loved ones felled at war's behest!.!.!.!?

Spring's sigh woks because of the antipathy to our expectations of joy associated with spring, in my humble whatsit!.

Otherwise, surprisingly unshit for this site!.!.!. maybe even as good as good!. I wouldn't add to it unless you have something more specific to say!. It is impactive because it is short!. It stabs deeply!. To elongate it might begin a frenzy of slashing!. Excuse the metaphor, but I've go my poetry head on, now!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like the comparison of fallen leaves/soldiers!. "Felt" in the last line changes the subject, suddenly focusing on the narrator!. If anything should be changed, it would probably be the last line, including 'spring's sigh,' since spring is generally portrayed as joyful, rather than sad!. I know you mean the narrator is sad, but this is part of the sudden subject change!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

This subject could be expounded upon and made into an epic, but this one you have written is actually enough to stand on it's own!. Iano also gave some good suggestions especially if you decide to lengthen it!. The comparison of leaves and soldiers falling, but not being renewed is a stroke of genius!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Shows promise, but needs work!. Good idea though!.

Autumn leaves fall to the ground
onto frost-tipped grassy strands!.
Soldiers fall without a sound
onto foreign desert lands!.
Leaves renew as Spring awakes
fresh new beauty for the eye,
loved ones lost for all our sakes
live on only in Spring's sigh!.

Off the top of my head, far from perfect I know, but something to maybe help your creative urges!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

First two lines strong!. Soldiers falling two by two!? Seems odd!.

Leaves are falling one by one
onto frost-tipped grassy strands
while our soldiers are falling too,
but on foreign, desert lands!.
While leaves renew at winter's end,
fresh beauty for the eye,
our loved ones lost in war's blood
are felt only in spring's sigh!.!.!.

A rewrite to give you another view!. You have something here!. Keep working it, the gem will shine!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

i think this is a really good start!. its better then what i start with!.if your poem was in a Competition u wold be of the chart!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

This was stunning!. Don`t let anyone change it for you!. You silly girl, there are always trolls lurking around, that is what they do!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is unbelievable good!.
I love reading great poetry,
therefore I loved this!Www@QuestionHome@Com

AMAZiNG!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

It is lovely as it is, but if their is more in your heart it will fit!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

THIS IS BEAUTIFULLL IM LIKE BREATHLESS
ITS SOOO GOOODDDDDWww@QuestionHome@Com

It's really sad!. It's great! ='( It makes me wanna cry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

are you kidding do you need an opinion on this it is awsome man that could be a whole poem not just a startWww@QuestionHome@Com