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Question: Have you time for 6 lines!?
Inspired by Evadne Terra, I attempt my first Harrisham Rhyme!.
http://www!.shadowpoetry!.com/resources/wi!.!.!.

Wish not for this heart of steel
Hopeless as love lost may seem
Suffer gladly what you feel
Regret not what was once a dream
True love ,if indeed was real
Even lost, time may redeemWww@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I should remark that the bickering over what is a matter of aesthetic appreciation is pointless, but not so the matter of technical craft!. You do in fact have an extra beat in line four, love!. In keeping with the form's requirement for ababab rhyme and the necessity of beginning the line with an "R" may I humbly suggest that you rewrite L4 as "Regret never any dream" since it seems in keeping with the sense of your poem and satisfies all the formal requirements!. If I were tinkering with this as a piece of my own writing instead of another's efforts (please indulge me for a moment), I might have changed it to something like this:

Wish not for a heart of steel
Hopeless as lost love may seem!.
Suffer every pang you feel,
Regret never any dream;
True love, if it e'er was real,
Even now, time may redeem!.

You see, you pick up something here because the "pang" of L3 adds the sense of remembrance of lost love as painful at a visceral level, it pulls in the full emotional impact of ruminating over such matters; "pang" additionally carries the sense of being packed tight, being close together, recognizing the distance that lies between missed opportunity and realized life, and paradoxically the fact that when remembered, the sense of affliction, of being almost too close to the pain, is unbearable!. So much depends on a word correctly chosen, on a nuance of rhythm, which may be affected not only by the number of syllables and the pattern of stress, but by the length of the sound produced when the poem is read aloud, as well as by the way your speech apparatus produces the sounds of the poem!. Love, you don't have to understand the International Phonetic Alphabet or know the difference between an alveopalatal and labiodental fricative because you speak the language, but concentrate on the total physical sensation you experience when reading your poem aloud and you will almost instinctively know whether you have succeeded on all counts!. There is so much to be learned, and if we find as much enjoyment in the learning as we do in writing the poetry, then we may hold out hope of one day composing a true masterpiece!. Good day my dear!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Sin I am liking this
I have not been and I have not seen the site!. I can see what this is!.
I do believe, I may actually have found a form that I can write with rules in it!.
Not saying I will mind you, but, I have found a hat with LEDs on the brim!. Now if I weren't so closetruleaphobic I would dig deeper!. Hmmmm!.!.!.!.!.!.


Www@QuestionHome@Com

I would not want to see you revise it very much!. Your syntax is very good just the way it is and you have worked well within the form!. With all due respect to our friend, Lano, your original is significantly better than his suggestion!. To thine own self be true!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like it! The flow of the poem is good and it makes sense to me, its almost like a lesson!. Good rhyming and use of words too, ur a good poet :) Www@QuestionHome@Com

Brilliant truly I read it 4 times and it is tight and true well doneWww@QuestionHome@Com

VERY impressive!! This is a great poem! And thanks for the website -- I'm going to check it out!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

"Flattery is like perfume!.!.!.so sniff it, but don't swallow it" would be my advice to you regarding some of the above comments!. Why not just go for the simple approach!?

Wish not for this heart of steel
Hopeless as lost love may seem
Suffer gladly what you feel
Don't regret a vanished dream
True love, if 'twas ever real
Even lost, time may redeem

Perhaps even 'Don't wish for this heart of steel' for the first line!.

Yeah, but I was ignoring that because I didn't think it was helping your poem!. So it's not a Harrisham Rhyme any more, but it's less awkwardly phrased!. (And to be honest, I'd missed that bit in your preamble!.)

Significantly better, David!? As my suggested revisions are slight I would have to say you're overstating the case!. The fact remains that a line like 'True love, if indeed was real' is awkwardly worded and less than perfect English, which was my main concern when suggesting other ways to kickstart Sin's revision of her poem!. (And line 4 seems to have an extra beat to me!.) You can write some fairly decent stuff yourself from time to time, but your sycophantic drooling over es*lu*d's 'poetry' (which in my opinion is hardly worth the effort of reading in the main) throws serious doubt on your credentials as a critic!.!.!.in my humble opinion!. However, let's not fall out about it!.

So how about this!?

Wish not for this heart of steel
Hopeless as lost love may seem
Suffer gladly what you feel
Rue not what was once a dream
True love, if indeed 'twas real
Even lost, time may redeem

Hey, I'm on a roll!. (Apologies for hijacking your posting, Sin!.)

Wish not for a heart of steel
Hopeless as lost love may seem
Suffer gladly what you feel
Rue not what was once a dream
True love, if indeed 'twas real
Though lost, time may yet redeem

Pick'n'mix, eh!?Www@QuestionHome@Com