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Question: Okay so here's A new Submition!!?
Your skin is soft supple and Youthful
you must have been sent by wings of a dove
For you resemble Aphrodite the Goddess of love
With a hidden talent which proves deadly and useful
the Intricacy of your secrecy lures me with knowing sin
as I peel back the many layers to reveal the beauty within
Now standing before me naked and bare
you seem quite shy as i stare
like an unsuspecting love struck fool I fell for your seduction
I have been put under your spell
and now obediently await for your instruction
Why Have you sentenced me to an eternity in hell!?
It's about people who cheat and the repercussions involved
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I don't have a degree in poetry or anything, so I'm not an expert, but I'll try and give you some good feedback :) (I'm an experienced poet and know a lot about it, just not everything!)
First of all, I think your rhyming is good - a lot of people would find it hard to rhyme anything with 'seduction' without stretching it!. However, when you rhyme, it helps to have a meter!. For example:
I saw the fox
And put it back in the box
Works much better as
In my garden, I saw a fox
And put it straight back in its box
(Weird example, sorry, I just had caffeine!.!.!.) Basically, the number of syllables should be the same in each rhyming line, just to make the poem flow better!. It's fine to have loads of different length lines, as long as the one it's rhyming with is the same length (unless you're following a really complicated form, which only the professionals can ever pull off, sadly)!.
So as I mentioned, I like that not all your lines are the same length, but it's the ones that should be the same that you should focus on :)
You also use good vocabulary - 'intricacy' is a good one, and I love how it almost rhymes with 'secrecy' in the same line, that's a good effect!
Only one more thing to add - it's not entirely clear what the poem is about!. I know you tell us after we've read it, but as I was reading it I wasn't sure!. Maybe make it a tiny bit clearer!?
Overall it's a decent job, I would give it 6/10 (that's good, I never give 10/10 because I don't believe in perfection ;))Www@QuestionHome@Com
First of all, submission!.
Second of all, if you're going to rhyme you have to have metrics!. Which you don't!.
If you don't have metrics than you have to use metaphor and trope!. Which you don't!.
Where anywhere in here do you mention anything about cheating on anyone!? I see that the girl is lovely as Aphrodite (which is trite)
I see that you're sentenced to hell, but that could be for a number of things!. I mean hell, depending on your belief sex out of wedlock is a sin!. There's nothing in here makes me think "adultery" and on top of that there's no repercussions stated at all, except that the person talking feels they've been sentenced to hell!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Being honest, it is pretty bad :( The structure is all over the place, and most of the phrases look as though they were cut and pasted from bad romantic novels!. If you wish to grow as a poet you should think about using some of your own words!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It looks to be good!.
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pretty powerful
I like it
but sadWww@QuestionHome@Com