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Question: Do you like this poem!?!!?1!?
where i go
when i go there
a distant memory
awkens in the depths of my soul
cobwebbed and silver
forgotten,
something in my very core
awakened
something instictive
unknown, but not forgotten
begins to take hold
and there is no more me
just this
forgotten
past

trying to stay

hidden Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
don't listen to that guy!. I can see what you're trying to convey but the way you wrote it sounds choppy!. The first two lines are redundant!.!. But if I were you I'd delete "where I go" !.!.!. also, you need to be concise when you say "when I go there" where are you going!? are you looking at your past!? Are you asleep!? Are you visiting a place where lots of memories have built up!? you need to convey that!.

A distant memory awakens in the depth of my soul (keep it in one line)
Cobwebbed and silver (what's silver!? your soul!? why is it silver!? tell your readers)
Forgotten- (this doesn't quite make sense because you're talking about a memory you've recalled so it's not forgotten!.!.!. was it temporarily forgotten!? Did others forget it!? Tell us!.)

Something in my very core is awakened (reword this!.!.!. don't repeat awakened since you just used it up there!.!. and also reword this differently or just delete it cuz you said earlier that a memory came up in your soul, which is in your core)

Something instinctive-
Unknown but not forgotten (take out "but not forgotten"!.!.!. repetitive and it's obvious it wasn't forgotten)
Begins to take hold (add this to the line where you have "unknown")
There is no more me (reword this!.!.!. do you mean no more OF you!? what part of you is no more!? make it more sophisticated using metaphors or similes)

Just this forgotten past-
Trying to stay hidden!. (okay for this part you need to use a different word for forgotten!.!. you use it too much!. also your past is not forgotten!. Try saying "Just a past I once let go of" or something similar!. also, your past doesn't try to hide!.!.!. YOU run away from your past!. You cover it up!. You try to forget it or simply let it go!. You let it haunt you or bring it up again!.)

It's good but it needs a lot of work!. Use a thesaurus!. Don't be afraid to elaborate by using more descriptions and metaphors and similes!. also, change your format!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

well, i would change the word forgotten to forsaken, and it flows a bit better, in my opinion!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

im sure you have some compelling emotion inside you, but you dont seem to be gifted with the talent of conveying it in poetry; sorryWww@QuestionHome@Com

yeah!.!.!. relate to itWww@QuestionHome@Com