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Question: What do u think of this poem!.!.!?
Beautiful big blue-green eyes
Shine bright beneath the sky
Looking down on the ground
At the giant bloody mound
Soft white hands stained with blood
Big red tears fall to dust
Silver knife lay right by
The shaking corpse that is mine
The big question still remains
Why was this body slain!?
No one knows the key
To this unsolved mystery
Only the stars above know the answer
Of the desperate girl now dead forever
ok so i am trying to come up with a decent poem for my english class cause i am too lazy to write a story so i need to know if this one sucks *** if it does i am going to try to work on a different one so ya!. any criticism is welcome!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Beautiful big blue-green eyes
Shine bright beneath the sky
Looking down on the ground
At the giant bloody mound
soft white hands stained with red
big sad tears are being shed
silver knife lay close by
the shaking corpse that had to die
The big question still remains
Why was this body slain!?
No one knows the key
To this unsolved mystery
Only the stars above know the answer
Of the desperate girl now dead forever
i tried to make the couple of lines that didn't rhyme, to rhyme!. but its a pretty good/sad poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
!.!.!.you need not shun your poems love!.!.!.
i think it's beautiful in blood and innocence!.!.!.
i'm a writer of poetry myself, this poem does not suck in my opinion!.
it's actually!.!.!.comforting to me!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
its pretty good!.
it has a lot of potentialbut it kindof jumpy maybe specify if you killed yourself or if you were murdered the image is pretty good thoughWww@QuestionHome@Com
It doesn't suck, i like it
is good rllyWww@QuestionHome@Com
i like it alot!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
okay, since you welcomed it: i think poetry is not your forte!. it just sounds like another one of those high school goth poems about how "dark" the writers mind is when in reality it probably isnt!.!.!.!.!.also the flow of it wasnt so smooth as it was poorly constructed!.!.!.!.!.im sure you could revise it with the same message but with a different persona and make a more tempo flow with it, than it could be good!. maybe take the cliche of "stained with blood" out!.!.!.!.too many emos have used that line and like i said maybe revise it a bit!.!.!.!.!.!.is it supposed to be about a story you read!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Some thoughts:
Who owns the eyes!? The murderer who looks down!? Would the eyes shine in sunlight if the eyes are looking downward!? Would a murderer be described as having beautiful eyes!? Unless of course they are yours and you have murdered yourself!.
The 'giant bloody mound' sounds odd, 'bloody' if you were killed there!. 'Giant' is a word that towers above, hard to look down on!. Maybe it's a location or open dug grave's mound!. Maybe: 'At the blood on the grave mound'!.
Corpses don't normally shake unless the corpse does not actually refer to a corpse!. Maybe: 'The forsaken corpse that is mine'!. Sounds like a dream, in which though dead, you can shake!.
I like the blending of images!.
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