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Position:Home>Poetry> Feedback on me poem =]?Question: Feedback on me poem =]!? My love for you
Is like a sapling Beautiful and Yet so fragile Everything you do Only nurtures my attraction From the way you laugh To the way you look at me I can only hope That you never let it wilt away Any help is very much appreciated =]Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Very sensitive piece!. The simple wording goes well with the simple tone!. I would suggest purifying it even more!.!.burning away the base words to leave the gold!. My love for you Is like a sapling Beautiful yet fragile!. Your laugh, Your walk, The way you look at me (in quiet moments!? or some other way)!? All that you do nurtures your attraction!. I can only hope, etc!. You could go further and swap 'is like a sapling' for just 'is a sapling', but I would leave that bit as it is!. A little everyday phrasing keeps the poem feeling more realistic and heartfelt!. The 'it' in the last line is a bit vague - it is not clear whether you are talking about your love or her attraction, so it might be worth re-wording that!. also, your ending is rather negative!. Instead of dwelling on the bad things that might happen, why not continue with the positive!? Don't concentrate on how she will keep the sapling from dying, but instead on how she will keep the sapling growing!? Caring, tending (a good word in the context of a sapling poem) feeding!.!.any of these might be successful!. This is purely a matter of taste though!. If in doubt, stick with your own!. These are only suggestions for fine tuning, though!. Don't change it siginificantly!. It is 95% excellent as it is!. I hope this helps :) sorry for any confusion in my posting!.!.yahoo took a breather halfway though :)Www@QuestionHome@Com I like it! Though I must say, there is a certain awkwardness in the phraseology, and a little in the timing!. Perhaps!? My love is like a sapling, Beautiful yet fragile too!. Everything you do nurtures my attraction From your laugh to the way you look at me!. I only hope That it will never wilt away!. I have to say,though, that the wilting seems a little weak!. Then again, there is a certain symmetry in that visual!. There is also some question whether the final clause refers to your love, or the love of your love!. You might want to think about that a little, and clarify it!. Are they that interdependent!? Are you putting the whole responsibility for both on your love!? You see what I mean!? Perhaps you might want to expand on that attraction, or your reaction to it!. Something to flesh out this simile would add considerably to its impact!. But as it stands, this is more like a riddle than an expression of love!. If that's the case, then you ought to enhance that conflict!.Www@QuestionHome@Com |