I really need someones opinion on a poem I just wrote?

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Question:

Give me yours!? And please be COMPLETELY honest!. Should I change anything!? What's a part that you like/dont like!? Please let me know!. Thank you!.

FAIRYTALE

Little girl, dancin' around
All dressed up in a plastic crown
Nothing matters, she dont care
About the world or cold crisp air
In her fairytale, she's alone
Completely content in her broken home
No knight to save her, no prince to hold
Protecting herself when the real world unfolds

So I'll be your princess
If you be my knight
You'll shield me and hold me
Hold on for dear life
And I'll be your princess
If you be my prince
You'll love me and hold me
We'll hold on to this

This girl has grown older, but her mind is still young
Repeatedly crushed, but she's still not done
Her dreams have been shattered, her hopes have been torn
Her fairytale's empty, wish she wasn't born
Desperate to escape, hope knocks once more
Then there you were, and the fairytale's door
She almost gave up and let them all win
But her knight is now found, let the mending begin

So I'll be your princess
If you be my knight
You'll shield me and hold me
Hold on for dear life
And I'll be your princess
If you be my prince
You'll love me and hold me
We'll hold on to this

Once again happy, completely at bliss
She found warmth in your smile, and truth in your kiss
Your arms are her castle, safe and secure
Focused on your eyes, reality's blurred
Now when she sings, there's hope in her voice
Meeting by chance, but lovers by choice
She almost backed down and let them all win
But her prince is now found, let the loving begin

So I'll be your princess
If you be my knight
You'll shield me and hold me
Hold on for dear life
And I'll be your princess
If you be my prince
You'll love me and hold me
We'll hold on to this

Brown eyed girl, dancin' around
All dressed up in a plastic crown
Nothing matters, she dont care
About the world or cold crisp air
In her fairytale, there's a prince and a knight
Hand in hand each battle they'll fight
Nothing can stop them, no curse or disaster
She finally found her happily ever afterWww@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I love the premise of the little girl in the broken home finding escapement in her fairy tale world; you have told the story very well!. For the most part you have maintained a good rhythmic flow!. I like the near-rhymes, although some people do not!. Since you asked, here are a few corrections I might recommend: line 3, grammar (same with 51), line 10 should be "you'll" (same for 42 & 46), in lines 21 & 36 the rhythm falters, at least for my ear, shouldn't line 22 be, "at the fairy tales!.!.!.!?" lines 33 & 34 are trite rhyme (very few of those, to your credit!) in lines 1 & 49 the colloquialism is not called for; you have not used it other places (and shouldn't), finally, in line 53, do you mean to say "prince and knight!?" I understand that is legal in Massachusetts!. All in all a good effort; keep writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I luv it, it's awesome, I wrote poetry, this should also be written as a song, you really have talent!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I loved it!. Although the part "So I'll be your princess, etc!." reminds me a lot of Taylor Swift's song, Love Story!.!.!.a bit similar!.!.

Other than that it's beautiful!
xWww@QuestionHome@Com

Oh I'm about to cry!. That was so sweet! It reminds me of "Love Story" sang by Taylor Swift!. You have talent! Oh I love it!. It's- professional!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

very interesting!.!.!.crown is a crown even if it is plasticWww@QuestionHome@Com

its a good poem Www@QuestionHome@Com

Wow! Thats really good!. Why is there a prince And a knight!? Does she have two lovers!?
What does cold crisp air mean!? I really like it, I was just wondering!.!.!.

I think this is publishable!. I think this could totally be a hit song!. Every time I read your poem, I like you more! You are really good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Excellent! I think it's great the way it is, if you want put it away for a week or two!.!. when you come back you'll see what if anything you feel needs changing!. But as it stands you tell a beautiful story with rich emotional imagery!. I like your poem very much, please keep writing!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Find someone who can write music if you can't!.
works better if you try to sing it, then the uneven syllables don't come into so much focus!.
Lovely story but think it should be !.!.!.!.found her happy ever after at the end!.
and in the 'chorus'
you (will) be my knight

make sure you copy right it!.
I can see someone taking this and getting it recorded very quickly!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

your poem is real beautiful but it will be wonderful if you only change a little words in this stanza

So I'll be your princess
If you be my knight
You'll shield me and hold me
Hold on for dear life
And I'll be your princess
If you be my prince
You'll love me and hold me
We'll hold on to this

and then it will be awesome!.Www@QuestionHome@Com