Position:Home>Poetry> I just finished revising this tell me what you honestly think please !!! ?
Question: I just finished revising this tell me what you honestly think please !!! !?
you may have seen it on here before but this is the revised copy !!! be honest, im 15!. dont be scared to be harsh!.
Distressed
Distressed
I lived with all that searing pain,
My skin was embedded in that chain,
My water bowl was always dry,
I just didn't understand why,
There was dirt caked on all my paws,
A reminder of my owner's flaws,
And the sun so painfully hot,
They left me there to die and rot!?
Then one day some people came,
They took me away,
My neck went from bloody and sore,
And then wasn't visible anymore,
They didn’t keep me long,
Please tell me what I did wrong,
Now everyday I watch you pass by,
Why won't you look me in the eye!?
Maybe you'd give me a handout or two,
Something, anything to help pull me through,
But yet you keep walking,
While I keep squawking,
Trying to get your attention,
My body could not take any more tension,
All you could see were my bones,
All you could hear were my painful moans!.
My mouth was so dry,
Get your attention!? I had to try
Then one day someone stopped
They didn't give me a handout though!.
They took me with them
They gave me water and food
Then put in a cage that people viewed
Then gave me to new owners
Who then set me free
I'm no longer a sore for sight!.
Cause I have owners that treat me right!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Honestly I like the message behind it, but it's a little long and repetitive!. It's also a little confusing!.
The way it reads this is what I get: The dog was tied up and poorly cared for, then someone took him away where he started to get better!. Then suddenly the dog ends up somewhere where people keep walking past him and he ends up starving!? Then someone else put the dog in a cage and feeds him until finally at the end the dog ends up at a good home!. Do you understand the confusion in the middle!?
The rhyming gives it a good rhythm (I don't normally care for poems that rhyme), but you aren't consistent with the couplings and it breaks up in awkward places!.
Hope that helps! Www@QuestionHome@Com
My neck went from bloody and sore, and then wasn't visible any more!. It sounds like you can't see his neck!.!.!. Be more specific!.
They didn't give me a handout though!. I don't know how to pin point it!.!.!. Try playing around with that one!.
I'm no longer a sore for sight!. That should be, "I'm no longer sore for sight"!. Drop the a!.
The part about the mud on his paws, well, that happens to pampered pets! Play around with that one too!. Post it again when you do that!. Like it a lot though! Post after those changes!. I'll get back up with you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com