My first free verse poem.. what do you think?

Question: My first free verse poem!.!. what do you think!?

I'm 15 and i usually write rhyming poems but today i tried to write a free verse one!.!. please don't be harsh, it's honestly my very first try!. thanks!.!.!. here it is:

The Innocence in their eyes

Gentle whispers escaping their lips

Sitting by a fire with rosy cheeks

Minature hands building and playing

Jumping in puddles, soaked from head to toe

Smiling and giggling, having so much fun

Let kids be kids, we were like them once!.

Comments please!. thankyou everyone!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

i like it very much
please answer mines http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index!?!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like it all, except the sitting by the fire is sort of not in line with the other "activities"!. Overall, I give it a great start!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Very good for a beginner!. Its short, its detailed enough you can understand, and its very true!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

So!.!. Cute!.!. You got the talent!.!.!. I really like the "Minature hands building !.!." part!. In all give a very cute picture!.

Keep it up !Www@QuestionHome@Com

Beautiful!

Peace,

jmbWww@QuestionHome@Com

I liiiiike it! Seriously!. It's good for a first try!. It makes me think of being little again!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like it; it captures the essense of childhood so well!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Very nice!. Well said!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think you have the idea keep developing your style!. You got heart!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

Very touching!!
You have talent, girl!!
Keep writing

Www@QuestionHome@Com

goood
HIGH FIVE!Www@QuestionHome@Com

GOOD!Www@QuestionHome@Com

its really nice
keep on writingWww@QuestionHome@Com

It made me smile, I really like it!. :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

wow
Www@QuestionHome@Com

not bad at all keep up the good work!

Www@QuestionHome@Com

yaWww@QuestionHome@Com

niseWww@QuestionHome@Com

love itWww@QuestionHome@Com

arnt u a kid to thats a lil weird!. but its good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

First: Stick with free verse!. Shackling yourself down with rhymes is pointless unless you are writing songs or you are Adrienne Rich!.

Second: You have a few cliches in there, like "in their eyes" or " head to toe", you can get rid of those!. Sound unique because you are unique!.

Third: I love your message here!. I'm no kid, but I'd love to be in this picture!. Nice job! (I like escaping whispers!)

Fourth: I like what you've written!. But what I really want to hear are the answers to the following questions:

1- What do innocent eyes look like!?
2- What else can the cheeks look like besides rosy!? Does the pink/red remind you of anything else!?
3- Why are you smiling and giggling!? Tell me!.
4- How can you tell me that I was like a kid once without telling me I was like a kid once!?

Paint me a picture with images!.

You have a good thing going here, kudos to you!. Keep writing!!!

On another note, always cut out unnecessary words, for a very quick example, and this is completely YOURS, just moved around a little:

Innocent eyes
Escaping whispers
Cheeks pink with fire

Building, Playing, Jumping
Soaked from head to sole!.

That was us!.
Once!.

Just another take on your already very nice poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com